It Begins Something Like This
by PrettyUnteal
Summary: With equal measures of the Dark and Light pulling at his soul, childhood is a turbulent journey into adulthood. (Kylo Ren origin-centric. Major spoilers for TFA. Follows Ben Solo from his entry to the Jedi Academy to his exit. Includes original and canon characters. Rating has gone up)REVAMPED FIRST 14 CHAPTERS CONT. IN "PENDULUM"
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: A Well-Played Counter Attack

…

Parenthood was every joy and sorrow that it had ever been rumored to be. Leia had never been a warrior, never been trained to explicate the power that no doubt existed in the bloodlines in her veins. Instead she'd been a leader.

And leadership, she'd quickly found, was remarkably like motherhood.

So, with all the love she had, and a lot of love she didn't know she was capable of, Leia had become a Mother.

"Mother...?"

She closed her eyes briefly to the outside world, examining the one that was held within herself instead. She'd absorbed motherhood with the same level-headed immovable dedication that she'd plunged into for most of her life. And now... was she letting it go?

"I'm sorry Ben..." The smile returned to her face in the perceived memory of how happy the boy would be at the news. She turned to him with this smile and a hand that stretched to the side of his face. His face, already like his father's... and probably like his grandfather's. But there was also hers.

She hoped it was enough.

She put a gentle hand to the same face that was reflected in her heart, attempting to sooth the anxious expression her son so often wore. This furthered her strength and her hand then went to his thick hair. His nightmares, his eating habits, his tantrums... He needed this.

"Do you remember talking about the Jedi Academy?"

His eyes, so deep and cautious, seemed to harden with a very un-childlike interest.

"Uncle Luke has made his decision to start it... and I am giving you the choice to join him."

It was then that she finally saw that naive glimmer enter Ben's eyes, his full mouth upturning in some weary wonder. Was his mother truly giving him this opportunity? What he'd begged for? What he'd read about? What he'd dreamed about? But no, something was missing...

"Where's Dad?"

The tell-tale sign of Leia's stubbornness was her lips folding into a compressed line. "Your father... has gone to see Luke. He wants to oversee preparations." The truth that both mother and son knew was that Han would be much more unwilling to let his son go. What only mother knew was the arguments and the set up cot outside in the Millennium Falcon.

"It's up to you, Ben..."

She'd half-expected him to jump at the chance, but instead, he'd turned inward as he so often did this past few months. Luke himself had been unsure of gathering up force fledglings for education. Without a larger threat of pressing darkness it seemed preemptive and unnecessary to take children from their homes. That was until he'd seen Ben almost strangle Loth-cat with only the Force that had come from his six-year-old body. That night the family had come over with a hush. Luke retreated to the guest bedroom and disappeared long before anyone else had woken up. The next they heard from him was the letter detailing updates of the new Jedi Academy. Ben had put the post up in his room, happily observing the process. Though she doubted that he understood it was launched partially for him, she would completely denounce the notion as crazy.

Ben seemed far too perceptive for her to denounce him for anything. At the moment, his eyes had drifted somewhere to her collarbone, unseeing and assessing whatever pro-con list that existed in his head.

"...Should I go?"

She smiled at him then, leaning down to face him in the opportunity for a hug. For once, he actually chose to oblige her. She easily fit her arms around him, rubbing his back with a reassuring kiss to his cheek. She suddenly wished he was small enough to enfold into her arms in a sweet bundle that was willing to be taken care of. Instead of this lengthy seven-year-old who had spoken of darkness in his dreams and carried it around in his eyes.

"I will miss you terribly."

...

AN: This began as a one-shot in my head that has now become a full-fledged story. Have it all planned out but only this part written so far. Let me know what you think if you have the time.

Like many people going into _The Force Awakens_ I'm considered a new-generation fan. The amazing thing about the series is; though it relies strongly on a history and mythology that has been put into place—it's a universe that's governed by essential truths of human nature. This story is meant to show the consistent struggle of light and dark and how it bleeds into every choice and relationship we have while ultimately being a conscious choice.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: What Doesn't Kill Us…

Age was irrelevant. They put you in with other people who were at your age of development with the Force. But this is not something that could be determined by the simple question directed to each Padawan. Instead, they roughed them in makeshift groups in order to test their measure. What this meant, however, was up to the interpretation of the students. There were three in the group besides himself, and Ben was fighting not to stare at any of them. He was the youngest of the group which consisted of those who had been endowed with the strongest bloodlines of the twenty five students who were now enrolled in Luke Skywalker's academy.

At first, he'd been relieved by the warmth of his Uncle's welcome but this relief stagnated and turned cold at the realization that this was how Luke was going to greet all of his new students. Once again, Ben was not special. He was only special in his dreams, idolized and greater than those around him. Those like the students he currently sat with.

"All I'm saying is that at least one of us is bound to go bad..." One of the students whispered conspiratorially to the other. "My mom thinks so too, she said that if Skywalker wasn't the best then she wouldn't have chanced it."

"Well if I had to put my bets on anyone it'd be that one over there." The other boy said this with his eyes stubbornly lowered but his mouth quirked in a guilty smile. The first boy who spoke, however, had none of that composure and his head swiveled around, settling on Ben for only a second before attempting to further identify who the other boy was talking about. Ben's heart contracted in a familiar anxiety, his hands already itching in preparation to defend himself from any perceived or intended slight from the others.

"No, no, the one sitting over by the rocks. The weird one. The girl."

Suddenly not knowing what to do with his temporary adrenaline build up, Ben forgot his composure and furrowed his attention over to who he now knew they were talking about. Where before he felt insulted that they were talking about him, he now felt slighted that he wasn't the topic of their conversation. With more venom than was necessary Ben finally chipped in.

"No way. She looks like some little weakling."

The subject of conversation appeared more oblivious; despite the fact the entire group had now turned their head to her at least once. There weren't many girls that were sent away to the training camp. And she was one of the few that looked all human, like Ben. Well, maybe all human, she had sharp looking teeth and strangely light eyes. But that doesn't necessarily determine a different species.

"All right men..."

The figure clothed in gray acknowledged him with that sunshine-better-days kind of smile, but did the same to the rest of the students seated on the sand.

"And lady..."

His Uncle amended his statement with a polite nod to his head. Ben's eyes scanned his visage briefly before retreating to the even more familiar figure of his father. Against his wishes a smile touched his mouth at their proximity.

"Tell me. Are we ready to begin?"

...

The tests were difficult. And different for each individual. This meant that even the last person to be tested would not get the chance to prepare themselves for what they knew was coming. At the end, it was only Ben and the girl left to be tested. Luke led them to the edge of the shore.

Already Ben began to stir restlessly with something more than apprehension at being tested. His fear of the water was not based on anything rational but it was potent enough for him to not want to take a bath. So the sight of a sea, even a calm one that sweetly lapped at the shoes of Master Skywalker, was filling him with a dread far beyond what he was ready for her. The girl next to him appeared unfazed by the water but kept glancing over to his face. His Uncle, too, watched him carefully. His face was more guarded now, prepared to be the more distant Master compared to a beloved Uncle. Attempting to appear nonchalant he let his attention wander sporadically to find his father who was now absent. His fear turned cold in his stomach, recognizing the absence with a twinge of betrayal that he always felt.

"Ben."

Luke's voice brought him back to the dreaded task at hand.

"Is there a problem?"

There was no sarcasm or mockery. Ben could have taken this moment to tell his Uncle what exactly he thought of being lead to the water- tell him of the gnawing fear that coated his stomach and contracted his throat. Ben could have said that, but that would have made him a very different young man compared to the one that stood attempting not to tremble in the sand. Finally, the boy shook his head, wishing the girl would look somewhere else with her ever-too-light gaze. At his denial, Master Skywalker moved into the ocean with measured steps, sinking along with his nephew's stomach. He brought out his bionic hand, extended in invitation.

Despite his sweating palms and the fact he could barely hear any direction over the pounding in his head; the boy followed his uncle with a chin held high, now chest deep in the water he dreaded. The fear had cascaded now into conscious thoughts. He thought of what was in the water, what could be in the water, the instability, the hazard. And meanwhile it pushed sweetly on him as if to tempt his opinion to change or to at least wipe away the sweat that was not solely from the hot day.

"Put your head under the water until I tell you to raise it."

His Uncle's piercing gaze held no room for debate and Ben thought that he'd just been delivered a death-blow. The thought of relinquishing his placement into the full control of the ocean was much too like the context of his nightmares. Cruel voices came from the dark along with chilly visions of a hauntingly tall creature wearing a mask of metal. But instead of being the child that he knew he still looked like, the boy lowered his head obligingly. Once under the water the pounding in his ears became overwhelming. The anxiety that seemed to be an ever present enemy crashed over him much harder than the calm waves around him. Under the water he felt his Force respond to his fear and he tamped down his instincts to do what his Master was telling him. To complete his task. He couldn't help but be filled with an impotent rage, certain that his Uncle knew of his fear and meant to exploit him. Well he'd show him.

Unbeknownst to him, Luke's gaze didn't waver from his submerged nephew even as the seconds ticked past.

The girl, however, stirred restlessly at the shore. Finally, she released a breath she didn't know she'd been holding in empathy for the submerged boy. Her classmate; not someone she knew or should care about but it was impossible not to especially when Ben had been under the water for almost a minute. Even without seeing him she still felt his fear screaming, could feel his limbs twitching.

"Isn't... isn't that enough?" Her voice was high and sudden with no bit of her concern hidden but Luke did not even look to her as he responded.

"This is a test." The voice was calm and did nothing to sway the mounting adrenaline that coursed through her veins.

"But... but he's not coming up... What are you trying to do...?"

This time, the Master did not respond. Her wide eyes watched as he put a hand over the boys' head. At first, the girl's fears were assuaged but then heightened to an immediate fever pitch when she realized he was only keeping his nephew under the water. Ben, too, had hopefully perked up at the hand on his head but soon let out an involuntary sob under the water once he realized that his Uncle's hand was meant to stay there. The physical strength it was taking to even stay under the water was causing his small form to twitch, his face screwed up. But it was the strength of his fear that caused him to shake harder, he had never felt so alone, so vulnerable to the dark. His Force rose up at his fingertips to protect him from an enemy that wasn't there and still he tamped it down. He could hear the muffled voices above the water and he would not fail.

"Stop... Stop... Stop it!" What started off as a protest was now working it's way into a full tantrum. Her fingers twitched in panic, feeling his fear ebbing was now a symptom of his fading consciousness. "Let him up!"

At the Master's further lack of action, the girl's legs took her steps toward the water as her hands extended toward the pair. Unthinking, only feeling her objective.

"Let him up!"

The voice had all the power that the Force had provided her with, but instead of jerking up his hand, Luke instead felt his nephew entire body jerk away from him and flip over toward the air. She dragged him with her will alone; her Force was more like thunder as if she'd broken the sound barrier through the water. Ben's half-conscious mind knew to gasp for air despite lacking full awareness. His eyes were unfocused. If the girl seemed shocked by her strength, she didn't show it. Already she was scrambling over the boy she didn't know with a wide panicked expression that then turned to weariness as her Master approached.

"Enwa..." He intoned, now standing over the pair. She hadn't heard him slosh gently through the water, and her gaze was bordering chaotic in its paranoia of his sudden proximity. His nephew was gasping for air and slowly coming to. "You passed."

It was now two bewildered expressions that faced him and he smiled at them warmly. Taking his cloak that was discarded at the edge of the shore; he draped it over both of them. They were dwarfed by it now, but for a second he saw what they would become. And soon, they would outgrow that space where they unconsciously huddled together now.

"Those above us do not always have our best interest in mind. It is up to us to determine how we are being treated as well as how others are being treated."

He put his bionic hand on Enwa's shoulder; her weariness was fading with a dawning expression of comprehension. Ben, meanwhile, had frozen at the words despite the warm hand that his Uncle now rested on his shoulder as well.

"Real strength also relies in our heart, and sometimes we must listen. We must communicate our needs to work together."

He looked meaningfully toward Ben who had now cast his gaze down in shame, his teeth gritted together and his eyes dangerous.

"This is a lesson that both of you would do well to remember."

...

AN: Two updates in one day! Now you know I'm on spring break.

Honestly I was hit with this idea while writing it. If you haven't heard of it, there was a test done on people who were hooked up to one way glass watching a victim that was being shocked. They were told by the superiors conducting the test to continue shocking the victim. The results found that we, as people, are prone to listening to direction more than to empathy.

Luke here made this a test for Ben, and for our female character Enwa.

If you have time, let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Weakness As Usual

The first time Snoke came to the Jedi Academy. He didn't look much like Snoke.

He appeared to him through the eyes of another. Through the mind of another.

Snoke was not able to set foot anywhere on the same planet without Jedi Master Skywalker knowing about it. But he existed in the minds of many. And these minds were protected by a force solidified much stronger than one that would come from the individual.

...

Ben was unable to stomach most food. Every meal was a challenge at the Jedi academy. Each pupil was given different food for the different needs that each Padawan would require for proper nutrition. And that exact amount must be consumed.

It was estimated that Ben had the potential to be very tall.

If he ate...everything on his plate.

It was like his mother but so so much worse. His mother told him he had to eat to grow up big and strong. His mother, however, didn't have tests and exactly measured proportions. And she had a whole lot more sympathy than the droid who he had to report to after he was finished. In the attempt to not complete this particular mission, Ben went up to the droid, avoiding it's bionic gaze, and allowed the creature to scan him.

"23% complete. Please continue eating with your meal or report to the infirmary."

Ben's shoulders released their tension that he'd been holding in hope that the droid would somehow be fooled. So far nothing seemed to fool the infernal creature. It scanned much more than his tray- rather- it scanned his blood and re-scanned his current calorie intake with how much energy was being utilized. In short, he had completed many trial and errors to fool the machine.

Dejected once again he shrank back to the table. He put his head in his hands. Already, his hands were too large and foretelling of the growth spurt that was the reason for his ridiculous amount of food in front of him. Refusing to look, he took another six bites with his eyes closed attempting to eat as much as possible.

Another bite, another bite.

Most of the students were already gone. His stomach was churning but he was so close to finishing. Completely foregoing chewing he instead was just shoving gobs of everything he could fit in his mouth. The back of his neck had started to sweat underneath the hair that was growing too long. His eyes were tearing up but he didn't stop. One plate down and he pushed it to the side.

It was then that his stomach gave a lurch. Swallowing uncomfortably the boy froze as the tell-tale sensation crept up his throat. In horror he closed his eyes against the sensation attempting to pretend that he wasn't about to throw up the contents of his stomach that he was abusing fully.

The only other Padawan at his table was just getting up to put his tray away when Ben rushed by him to throw up in the garbage. Half sobbing he banged his hands on the sides of the garbage can as he lost the progress he just made.

"You can't expect your body to do its bidding, boy, trust me, I know."

Ben wiped his mouth aggressively on the back of his sleeve, and wiped his eye with the other sleeves.

"Leave me alone..."

His voice might have been intimidating if it hadn't come from the mouth of a child that still tasted vomit. Instead he sounded petulant. The old man was already taking the receptacle away, obviously a cleaner here of some sort. Luke Skywalker had many people there who would help keep up the facilities for his pupils. From what could be observed, most were happy to do the job and this was not the first time that one of them had offered a reassuring word.

The man's skin was gnarled and it didn't appear that he could utilize his left leg well, but given that he was obviously not all human, it could have been an effect of his species. Ben didn't know and didn't care. Realizing that his blood might have recognized enough to get him out of there, he hopped up to the droid. The droid looked at him for a total of four seconds, a very human-like pause, before relaying

"43% complete. Please continue eating or report to the infirmary."

With an enraged cry Ben made a move to dart past the droid whose arm extended with a gentle whir and moved him back.

"Should I alert Master Skywalker?"

Openly crying by now the boy wiped his nose on the back of the sleeve. He'd always been prone to tears. Prone to high stress even when there wasn't stimulation for it. But right now the last thing that he wanted was an 'encouraging' talk with his Uncle.

By now, he was the last one in the dining hall except for the blue skinned man who seemed content to sweep the floors while observing the boy with a pitying expression. Ben sulked all the way up to the buffet; the droid there analyzed his blood...again... and gave him the proper amount of food with a cheerful robotic voice wishing him to enjoy his meal.

Sitting with a full plate of food in front of him again, Ben couldn't force himself to take a bite. He was sweating and exhausted and was sick of the cleaner looking at him.

"Aren't you supposed to wait until we leave?" The young boy seethed, finally returning the gaze of the old man. The old man, to his credit only shook his head with a seemingly empathetic but detached face. Ben slapped his palms on the tabletop in an accusing matter.

"Stop staring at me! Don't you know who I am? You're nothing! You can't look at me like that!"

Still, the man's face did not alter. And even as shame set the boy's ears aflame, his eyes glittered with anger. Finally the man responded slowly.

"He was right about you...I'll reckon that he was right."

Ben threw up his hands. The emotion was seemingly too much for his body and it spread about him chaotically.

"Who...Who!? Why does everyone talk to me like I'm stupid, like I'm not here, like I'm not important?"

It was really the age old mantra of every child that every felt abandoned, but there was a twist. In an ordinary life, adults could be trusted. In an ordinary life the gnarled blue man wouldn't have leaned forward on his broom and touched his hand to the boy's forehead. In an ordinary life, the boy's Force wouldn't have connected so viciously to the motion suddenly imploding with visions that would haunt him for years- ones that he would hold on to in the coming darkness.

In the space of one second, in the quiet cafeteria, Ben saw the creature of his nightmares once more. The force of its steps resounded in his head, it marched through armies on top of a living weapon, it killed without mercy, it was acknowledged in reverent tones and bowed heads. He watched it from behind, his body propelled along with the vision even without moving his metaphysical feet but his wide eyes followed the creature's wide shoulders staring in horror and wonder and wishing the thing would notice him. He'd never wanted to be noticed so badly, and yet dreaded what would happen if he was. But as the shine of the metal visage glinted in it's slow turn to acknowledge him, Ben made contact with the empty eye sockets and realized that's me. The nightmare is me.

When Ben came back to the cafeteria he was alone.

He ate his food.

He went to the droid.

He went to bed.

He did not have nightmares.

Where he used to follow in horror of the masked creature, he now waited for it in the darkness of his sleep, eager to trail on its dark cloak.

"Show me." He'd whisper, not knowing who he was talking to, but instead only feeling that someone was listening. "Show me again."

...

AN: Phew, apparently I'm completely ignoring the fact I'm supposed to be grading papers and working on my portfolio and instead I'm just writing. I'm attempting and actually failing to stagger the release of this. Since I already have the idea all written out with just the need for some editing I could probably release the whole story in a day. But the last time I did that I felt super dissatisfied so I'm going to TRY to pace myself.

If you have the time, feedback would be wonderful! As I said, I'm a new-generation fan so especially if you have some insight into the Star Wars world that you feel could help the authenticity of my story that would be amazing. Commentary of the miscellaneous source is also welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: This chapter is specially dedicated to who is the first person to fav this story! I was going to wait til tomorrow to release this one but that was really excited. The next couple chapters are in between moments about the developement of Ben's character and his relationship with others. Snoke will make an actual appearance very soon. This one's short, but thank you for reading!

...

Chapter 4: Stronger For It.

On his 13th birthday Ben had more accomplishments under his belt than any other Padawan. However, he also had many more fights. Each time Luke would wrench him off of some individual and find that Ben never started the fights...In his mind. But instead, every perceived slight would set him off. In truth, the boy required more attention than one man could handle. But Luke had realized this years ago and had many adults. The problem was there was only one Jedi Master and this Jedi Master currently had a migraine. Migraines did not go well with unruly Padawan's. And today's group was especially unmanageable.

It was rare that all twenty five of them got to sit together anymore. Only for ceremonies, announcements, and large group discussions. In fact, it had been months since he'd seen them all in one spot and he couldn't help but notice the physical differences.

His heart ached for the children who'd come here six years ago, but his heart also swelled with pride at the amount of talent that existed before him. Each student required their own unique set of challenges and each met them in their own way.

Ben was currently making his own challenges, as usual, out of his classmates. Cutting off what was sure to be another fight if he didn't intervene; Luke gave his nephew and the other male a pointed look. For a moment his eyes lingered on the darkness that existed in the boys' eyes and then under them. It certainly looked like Ben hadn't slept and Luke made his mind to attempt to talk to him after the ceremony. But for now he turned his attention to the Padawan who had fallen naturally silent in the face of their master. Luke's smile seemed cheerfully ignorant of the tension in the circle. They all knew why they were there this time. The crystals behind Luke were no joke despite their master's lighthearted manner.

"Good evening. Here I have for you pre-made crystals. Many of you know what this means."

His crystalline gaze watched his Padawan's carefully for any sign of unease but instead their fidgeting seemed to only be from anticipation.

"A crystal is what will allow you to place your force into a lightsaber. When you are older you will all make your own crystals but for now, I have supplied them for you. But do not worry...There is still plenty of work to do yet..."

His smile turned slightly ironic as he made a move to gingerly pick up one of the crystals.

"This is a great measure of responsibility... It is also an icon of your strength and character. For now, all I ask is that you select your crystal one by one and use your force to activate it like so."

At his words, Skywalker's force flew naturally from his fingertips and into the prism before him before turning into a blue that could only be matched by his eye color. He couldn't help but allow his smile to widen as the excited grins and piqued interests heightened even more. There were at least two faces he instinctively knew did not hold smiles. He looked at Enwa who was never fond of weaponry and was not looking forward to the work that this would take. Then, of course, there was Ben.

It's no coincidence that he had this ceremony on Ben's 13th birthday.

The boy had been slipping.

Hopefully this could be a better gift than any other.

But Ben would not view it as a gift so much as a borderline obsessive aspiration. He'd wanted a lightsaber in his hand since he'd gotten here as a child.

Well, Ben, you're going to have to wait a while longer.

With this, Skywalker gave Enwa a solemn nod and she stood up slowly. Everything about her seemed reserved in front of groups. When she was unsure of herself she was always faking confidence. This was something he knew many of his students watched, Ben's eyes strayed to her more than he thought the boy would ever notice or admit.

No matter, they still had years together for his nephew to figure it out.

Enwa came up to him with all the ferocity of a Rancor behind large diminuitive eyes. He himself had been told his own gaze was a powerful one, one that extended into another's mind before he ever allowed his Force to do so. But even so, he could recognize that trait in another.

"Enwa..."

He offered a crystal that was not yet imbued with the force, and to her credit she did not tremble as she would take it, much different than most of her peers. Glancing to him only once, she stubbornly kept her back toward her classmates as she let the force escape through her fingertips. The chrystal reacted much more quickly than it would with most of the other students and it glowed a clear green that she bestowed a private smile to.

"Thank you Enwa, have a seat."

She did so in wonder and the rest of the students' eyes followed her. Only she was far more obvlivious than she usually was. It appeared even his hardest to read students could still be wooed by pretty lights. As much as he wanted to, Luke couldn't fully write off the importance of the event. The color and characteristic shined revealed an attachment of the Force with each of his students. As they went down the list there were only a few that surprised him in the appearance. For once, their unruly behavior was quiet and reverent.

Finally, when he felt his nephew was fit to burst, it was his turn. When he finally came up his steps were sweeping and long. Already at 13 he was as tall as his Uncle, and would undoubtedly pass up his father sometime soon. The large hands were beginning to fit the length of his body, he appeared to be growing in pieces. And this was the moment that Skywalker had waited with probably just as much anticipation as his nephew. When those hands would take hold of the crystal and it would react to the nature inside of him.

It was impossible to read Ben's expression as the stone glowed violently purple.

Of course.

His nephew, parented by arguably the best people in the galaxy, also came from a place of darkness. From the lineage of Darth Vader, Ben had been followed by dark figures by more than just his genes. Despite his best efforts to keep the darkness at bay, it now shone in his face in the representation of the violet crystal.

"Thank you Ben, have a seat."

Luke nodded to him with a smile, the same way he did with the rest of his pupils.

Although there was darkness, there was light and the crystal was evidence of that too. The evidence existed in the laughter that would bubble up unbidden from Ben when he let his guard down around the other boys. Or when they would explore the terrain to test the survival instincts of the group and Ben would find the sensequen plant, his favorite, and his eyes would light for long after he'd consumed its fruits. Yes, there was light in Ben Solo.

But was it enough?

Luke wished he knew, and wished it didn't matter so much. With dark there is light and vice versa. It was impossible to tell whether the First Order's rising strength was coincidental or whether the correlation between the Jedi Academy's renaissance was too much too soon. Luke had been with the force long enough where its voice came to him in frequent dreams both waking and asleep. But their prophetic nature was not always clear. Some of his students were already more gifted in their intuition with the force and he felt he would rely on them more as they grew.

For now, he was content to watch his awed force-lings fawn over their crystals. Soon, however, he would leave them to ascertain the newest threat from the dark.

...

AN: Told you it was short! Let me know what you think if you have the time. I've only just begun to read ff for TFA, let me know in the comments if you have any favorites (does not have to be Kylo centric)


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Intentions

"Padawan! Put that crystal down."

Granmore promptly froze before turning his head with an incredibly guilty expression before it faded into one of surprise.

"Ben, come on!"

Ben offered the boy a half smile, offering no apology for mimicking his Uncle's forceful commanding tone to the other boy. Granmore was shorter than Ben but two years older. He had a mean face but a sunny disposition that often made you forget the stern shape of his brow. He smiled a lot. Granmore often told Ben that he should do the same. Both boys bonded out necessity, though Granmore got along with everyone else much better than Ben.

It wasn't that Ben wasn't likable, per say, but he didn't seem to want to put the effort into being liked. Oftentimes, Granmore struggled to see his Master Skywalker in his lineage. Though, if the rumors were true, Ben also had Dark Side blood in him. Ben sat on the rock, his eyes grinning over to the other Padawan, though his mouth stayed in a relaxed line. For whatever reason, the nightmares that frequently seemed to plague the boy had been strikingly absent, and the circles under Ben's eyes were reacting to the change. From his robes, Ben pulled out the ostentatiously purple crystal.

Most of the other force-lings carried crystals of blue, green and the occasional yellow. None of them had purple. None except Ben Solo, whose dark eyes reflected the crystal with the potency of an lake's surface. Granmore subconsciously licked his lips and turned away from his friend. Occasionally he had to remind himself to not look at his male friend like that, not as if Ben ever seemed to notice.

You really need to get yourself a girl. Granmore chastised himself. Following his own train of thought he then asked, "Hey, so have you seen Enwa around, I wanted to see what she was making her saber handle with."

After all, that was their main task while Master Skywalker was away, to craft a saber that was fit for the individual was a daunting task. Even if they had weeks to do so.

Ben nodded, "She was going down by the ravine, I think."

Granmore grinned, "Maybe we should go join her? She's way less weird than she used to be..."

...

The ravine was one of the prettier areas that was within the immediate district around the academy. It was also a place that Enwa had claimed early on, back when she didn't talk to any of the Padawan's. Even after that first day when she had jerked him from the water, much to his intense chagrin, she had barely spoken a word to him. The few words she did speak were far too familiar and cut him down to the quick- she had a habit of having as much sensitivity as a Rancor during the cold season.

Despite her gruff nature and unapologetic awkwardness, she was pretty, and people always flocked to pretty. Already one of the few girls who was also at the academy was splashing her feet in the water next to Enwa's huddled form. The latter girl kept picking up the stones, inspecting them, and then dismissing them back into the slow moving river.

"- for a substance build though, don't you want something a little more moldable? I don't know it doesn't seem to be anything like a handle if you make it out of stone..." Enwa seemed to ignore her friend for the sake of turning to them. As usual, she sensed when people were coming, much like Ben seemed to. Her switch of attention had caught that of her friend who had turned to them with a roll of her eyes.

"She's trying to make it out of stone I told her that's going to be way too hard to handle." Enwa scowled up at the other girl, her too-sharp teeth glinting harmlessly.

Ben stepped in on her accord as he slid down the steepest part of the ravine. "Well that depends, a stone could be a good grounding tool. especially if she's using it around an artificial material or even metal." Enwa's eyes slipped briefly to the dark haired boy, before seeming to dismiss him and going back to her repetitive search through the stones. Ben's ears grew hot under the perceived slight. Granmore, seemingly oblivious to the obvious statement she was making, went up next to her and chattered about what stone she think she wanted.

Ben had turned his attention inward, zoning onto the crystal that he held loosely underneath his robe. He held it until he felt the Force thrum by his heartbeat and the pulse of his fingers. The other students felt comfortable with his silence and he didn't hear them up til a new presence tickled at his left ear. Assuming it was an insect, Ben ignored the whisper with a scowl, before shaking out of it enough to realize that it was two more boys from the Academy. Ben regarded the two before they had seemed to notice they had an audience. It wasn't rare that students would end up culminating together, they all seemed to draw subconsciously to one another, but it was the sight of a very new (and crudely made) lightsaber that quickly got attention. As the flow of conversation came to a splashing halt to the newcomers, each of the four regarded them with curiosity. Granmore was instantly grinning while Ben and Enwa's expressions turned cool.

"Woah! You did it! How'd you do that?"

The one boy held up the saber triumphantly, but before he could explain himself, Ben jumped in with an answer.

"He used the tools in the Bay, without permission and without supervision. What are you, stupid?"

The victorious expression weakened before flicking into one of righteous irritation.

"What's your problem? It's awesome! It doesn't have to be permanent..."

It was Ben who was interupted this time, by an Enwa that was suddenly standing much closer to him than he remembered her. She'd been crouching in the water for hours, and now her face was set in an ugly sneer.

"It's not awesome it's unstable."

As if in response, the saber sparked, setting a harmless fire on the green foliage to the boy's left- which he ignored for the much more worthy cause of yelling at his classmates.

"And what's it to you? Mad that I'm going to be better than you before Skywalker gets back?"

Ben had already started to boil when he suddenly noticed the pulse of the Force to his left. Enwa's face was angry but her energy was calm and it was seeking him out as reassurance. Looking at her out of the corner of his eye he couldn't even tell if she did it on purpose. It felt more like his Uncle than Ben felt comfortable with, it felt like the same sort of green that her crystal glowed with beneath her robe. Riding on this energy he held out his hand halfway to the rogue Padawan, putting that calm into his voice.

"Please, that thing is dangerous... You're going to set something on fire."

The boy slid clumsily down the end of the ravine to face the dark haired boy. As weapons often did, the confidence that radiated off him was much different now. Even when he was currently squared off with Ben, who had beaten him in every part of their training so far, he felt taller than he ever had.

"Then take it from me." The boy grinned, holding out the unstable saber with a challenge.

It was hard to determine the mood of the action, whether it was more playful or more threat but Ben felt his connection to the calm slowly ebbing away. With it, his eyes faded until they were nothing but dark. His half extended hand had fully extended, without much surprise, the saber swung forward from the boys' hand. Instead of a graceful and trained catch, however, the weapon spun between the distance of the two figures, plunged into the ground to send gravel flying, and then dropped into the river with a little bloop. Ben lowered his hand, his face intense despite the fact that the other four had jumped away with a few yips of their own and one oh shit was definitely uttered as the swoard had careened out of the hold of its owner.

The reaction was priceless, and Ben finally let loose of one of his biggest smiles. Triumph. It felt so good to be gaped at like he was some force to be reckoned with- recognized. Until, of course, the boy got over his shock and realized the saber was currently inundated with water.

"You just... That has my crystal in it!" With a jerking motion the Padawan made a move as if to go plunging into the water but instead whirled around to look at his companion and then at Ben. "Bring it back! Oh no, bring it back! Master Skywalker is going to really take it out on me if he finds out." The voice teetered on desperation which would quickly change as Ben shrugged nonchalantly.

No longer a boy's bargain, instead this was escalating to the point where the stakes were mounting, the two faced each other in a moment of static. That was about two seconds before Ben had the front of his robes wrested in the shorter boy's grip.

"Then give me yours!"

The ridiculousness of the situation seemed to escape the confronter's notice, but Ben couldn't help but laugh at the frantic searching hands. That was, until one of the hands balled into a fist and hit him hard in the nose. He heard Granmore's sharp exclamation followed by footsteps heading toward their direction.

Now, Ben had gotten into more fights in Jedi Academy compared to all of the Padawan combined. However, you really couldn't get used to getting hit in the nose. Immediately his eyes watered in response and that was probably when his control started to slip. It had seemed to dishonorable, so unnecessary that he felt this sanctimonious need to respond in kind. He extended his hand once more, this time with the intention to use his Force for more than grabbing... He wondered if he could use it to push.

The moment his fingers opened fully, however, he heard Enwa's sharp cry of "No!" and suddenly the boy was jerked away from him.

Ben blinked; the power dissipating from his fingertips as he realized the threat was no longer on him. The boy still wanted to fight, but already Enwa was on him with the vengeance that she didn't utilize during training. She'd grabbed him in a way that didn't seem to register there was any chance for hesitation. But it had already dawned on the boy that she had dragged him away using just her Force. The rest of the companions had been pushed into shocked silence but at least Ben had known she could do that before this moment. Still, dragging a motionless body through water was much different than dragging an anger fueled teenager. Not allowing this surprise to color his reaction, Ben gestured widely as the two boys hightailed it out of there.

"So...What? You're allowed to Force Push him but I'm not?!" He demanded. He didn't care that he sounded petulant. He felt the threat of anger come back to him. He wasn't sure he could hit a girl. Well, he definitely wouldn't hit her first. But that was incredibly hypocritical. "I was just-"

"You were just what?" She cut him off, her anger turned toward him now. He opened his mouth to reply but she was already stomping toward him. "You were just about to choke him...I felt it! You can kill someone like that Ben, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

He wasn't sure what set him up for silence more. The fact that she glittered with what looked like fear, or the revelation that she'd read his intentions better than he'd read his own. She was right.

Granmore had come back to his side, looking to the water where the saber had flown. It was silent now, Enwa had left with her friend awkwardly in tow. There would be no apology from either of them. Finally Granmore broke the silence with a half hearted attempt at humor.

"You have got to work on your people skills."

...

AN: The next two or three chapters will have Ben around the age of thirteen. Yes this is important to the set up of the story... But it's also incredibly important so I can get my proper fill of angst and romance later. While he is young, the rating will stay younger as well. Hope you enjoy the ride with me! Remember to leave fic recs in my PMS or in the comments section. And if you have the time to let me know what you think I'd appreciate it :)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Set the Record Straight

The following evening they all convened in the dining area with more or less the same attitude that they always did. No longer did Ben struggle to finish the food that was given to him, instead he felt a sense of relief knowing that it was contributing to the height that he'd now reached which was inches over most of his peers. There was a relief in the methodology- where, when he was a child, food was an emotional experience. Filled with the anxiety that was almost permanently in his gut, food didn't even have the space in his body to be useful. But now he saw the space for it in the equation, to fit seamlessly into his body's growth in a definable way. It certainly made things simpler.

Glancing at the boy whose lightsaber he'd chucked into the water, Ben narrowed his eyes at the side of his head as the other figure consciously ignored him. That had felt remarkably simple as well, it was not a scuffle of emotion, and rather it was just the cold realization of who had more power. And he came out on top. Ben ran his hands over the other, taking a reluctant shift of his attention over to the back of Enwa's head. With all the wisdom that his young mind could muster, he recognized that he saw her in a different light than most of his classmates. The other Padawan weren't as strong with the Force as he was... But she might be. In this same stroke of genius he also realized that he wanted her attention.

However, this intellect was being governed through the body of a thirteen year old boy, and thirteen year old boys are hardly ever wise. And so, to remedy this cacophony of intention, Ben saw it fit to absentmindedly rip up the corner of his napkin and ball it in one hand. In one smooth motion he threw it with the accuracy that would only be expected of a trained young warrior, into her right shoulder.

Instead of the desired reaction on her part of brushing it off like an offending insect, or (even better) looking to the person to her right in the expectation they had tapped her; Enwa turned to him with all the accusation she was capable of. Unfortunately for Ben, this expression was a formidable one and his heart pounded in kind even after she turned back to the task at hand.

An outsider could tell you it was nothing more than the courting ritual of a preteen, but if you were in the minds of either of the preteens, nothing was so simple. Unrecognized attraction, interest, and resentment for that interest, all bubbled into a cocktail of hormones. Tonight, however, it was not a cocktail they would be participating in and both of their attention would soon be overtaken by the woman sitting at the very end of the table. For now, they ate. Each plate meticulously prepared for the specific needs of the students would consume its holdings.

Throughout this meal, Fescren watched with barely veiled interest. It was hard to tell what Luke was playing at, rounding up this particular batch of students. He hadn't selected the strongest that the galaxy had to offer. But rather, it appeared he had chosen those from the most affluent families. Those with the strongest lines. In other words...

Most of these children before her were not fodder for a potential war- they were the potential leaders of it. These were children who had perhaps grown strong with the Force over the years. Yet, more importantly they were strong with charisma, and persuasion, these were children that would one day be reputable adults. None of this was surprising in the light of the rising darkness that plagued the outer rim. Organizing a group of leaders was incredibly important when there was always the threat of the balance being tipped into a war.

What was surprising, however. was that it was Luke who made this choice. In a moment of clarity Fescren realized the touch of his sister, Leia Organa, was all over this place. Gone was the Jedi Academy that ruthlessly trained in endless bouts of meditation. Gone was the serious and solemn feeling. There was more fun here, more team building. No, this was like one networking camp instead of the warrior training base that it had been in past generations.

Fescren made the sheepish revelation to herself that, as a warrior, she would only appear like a ruthless warhorse to these children. This choice, however, might strengthen many of their resolves in the long run. It was with this solid fact behind her that she stood like the thing of authority that she would represent over these next coming weeks.

"Master Skywalker has told you all that you would not be without a teacher within his absence, correct?"

Immediately the students had quieted, now staring at the figure that was addressing them at the head of the dining tables. Well at least he's taught them how to listen. She thought, not seeing it fit to express the sardonic smile that crept up her lips.

"After you check in with the droid you will head out to the main clearing for an individual exercise."

She observed them carefully as their confusion swept over their faces. Luke had a careful itinerary that detailed they had free time after dinner. She doubted they were happy with the development but at least they were disciplined or curious enough not to question her outright.

"I am not a master, you may address me as Knight Fescren. That is all."

Outside in the main clearing, the night blooms tickled at their feet. It truly was a beautiful island though Ben doubted that all of the sensations were as harmless as they seemed, but he couldn't ignore the set up in front of him. Cleared a circle surrounded by torches at knee-height, the environment was undeniable. An arena. Predictably, the voice that fell to them through the near-dark confirmed his assumption.

"The object is to stay in the circle for forty pec. You will pair yourself off. But you will not speak."

Apparently not all had come to the conclusion that he already had and already their eyes had widened. They chose each other with gestures uncertainly. Friends were not quite willing to fight one another, but they also felt more stable than choosing those who they were not close with. Friendships can withstand a little test. Grandmore's hand nudged Ben's from behind and he felt the Force of his friend reach out to him as they silently stood with the rest of their classmates.

The first pair to go off struggled mostly physically, breathlessly laughing at first but escalating into breathless pants. The second was over much more quickly, one of the boys had used his Force to push the dirt off from the ground into their opponent's eyes and deftly pushed them out of the circle. Ben barely paid attention, he was already centering himself for the task ahead. But it was Enwa's stance in the center of the ring that wavered his concentration like a stone dropped into the smooth pond of his eyes. He watched her, as did his classmates. They had no use for being silent, it was already expected of them, but the Force that existed beneath her was something they all paid attention to.

Fescren gave them the signal and her friend had made a move for her but Enwa shook her head imperceptibly. Even without her eyes moving, Ben felt rather than saw her notice those watching her. The stillness in her physical form was nothing compared to the calm of her energy. It stopped her opponent before her opponent even meant to move and Ben realized with clarity what she'd done.

Fescren broke the quiet that was thick enough to cover them even more than the silence had done.

"That's forty pec. ladies. You've both passed." Enwa offered a fierce grin. "But, in the same way you've both failed." The grin faded with a sturdy arm crossing. Enwa was used to outsmarting the circumstances and Fescren didn't blame her, she'd seen leaders like her, leaders that would sacrifice nothing in order to pacify a situation. But sometimes there had to be something lost. "In the face of an objective, know that teamwork is not always your best option- you could have used your energy to move your opponent out of your way but instead you were willing to let her stand on equal ground. Thank you." Both of the ladies went exited the circle as their new teacher's voice rang out. "From now on the rules are adjusted. I expect that you will find this to be more trying. Whoever is left in the circle will be running around the entire scope of the island tonight before our mission tomorrow." The students twittered again, they had only ever run around the island as the group. The distance was formidable, but even more so was the hazards that existed especially at night. Anyone who had to run that would undoubtedly be worse for wear.

"Ben, front and center."

Granmore had made the move to join his partner but Fescren's raised hand and shaking head stopped him.

"Enwa, I want to see you matched to an opponent who might challenge you a bit differently."

"What?" The quiet that she displayed was quickly unnerved by Enwa's demanding tone. As usual, she was unapologetically unaware of the environment. Fescren seemed unsurprised but immobile as she waited for the compliance of the Padawan.

With suddenly jarringly obliging movements, she squared off with the other boy. Already the crystal of her future lightsaber had glowed at the shift in her energy but Ben felt his confidence steadily returning. She may be strong but he'd seen her move before and he was confident he could beat her. He had to be. Enwa's lips lifted slightly, her sharp teeth unerringly shown to the male across from her.

At the signal, the two immediately squared off in nearly identical poses. Unlike the pairs before, their concentration began with the Force. On Enwa's side, her Force was more formidable against Ben's form. On Ben's side he was confident in the Force...but more unwilling to hit her than he cared to admit in front of his classmates. What shocked them both was the immediate standoff that existed. Their Force crashed with a jarring sensation that those closest to the circle noticed. Quickly realizing that the Force was futile when Enwa was fully on her guard, Ben moved quickly to negotiate with her on a different level. Moving from his side of the circle more toward hers he held his hands up before him as he moved swiftly to distract her energy. It worked and she followed him physically but her energy strayed in his previous spot. Luckily his flexibility was what was going to suit him well in his fight; she was far too formal and not including emotion. That was something Ben could never be.

Putting both his hands to his center he extended them with a Force Push meant to push her out of her side of the circle that he now neared. It was a sacrificial action, he had to bring himself closer to the edge to do so but it also put her on the defensive. But he had to push her into the offensive with him if he wanted to win. Luckily, the offensive was all she had to do once the push hit her in the center of the chest. The wind immediately left her lungs and Ben felt the shift in her energy scattering around in flight. She had lost her concentration and all that was left to do was...

The foot sweep was not the wisest of actions on her part, it took her too far off balance which he exploited by putting his open palm to the side of her head and forcing her balance to be further off. In her defense she took a surprisingly strong hold on him that took both them down. Barely far enough from the edge of the circle to relax both Padawan attempted to scramble to their footing. Realizing this, Ben struck out once more with the Force this time to push her the way that gravity intended which made it easier for her to stay down. Attempting to keep his upper hand he made the move to climb over her. It wasn't exactly a Jedi approved motion and she froze at the contact. Without her proper plan in her head, her eyes had widened and she was left to grip at the ground.

"You're way too stiff." Ben grit out the words, though in truth the effort was almost too much. She was so much stronger than she looked. It took a moment for Enwa to process that he was attempting to give her some insight into her own fighting technique and her eyes widened in response. With a rocking motion that was probably meant to push him off her waist she simultaneously lifted her legs to grab hold of his torso and drag her backwards.

It wasn't what Ben was expecting, but apparently she'd taken his advice to loosen up a little and he couldn't help but grin even as she regained herself. In a moment of regained composure, she pushed to him at the same time her Force did and he felt himself rock toward the edge of the circle at the same time he moved forward with his own Force. It was with the barest of seconds that he took her over.

He was always expecting to win. What he wasn't expecting was the strong fear in her eyes as he stood over her.

"Please..." The word was barely whispered and Ben stared at her incredulously. She was normally so adept at reading the situation so why was she looking at him like he'd been about to choke her the same way that he'd almost done earlier this afternoon.

"Enwa; I expect that you'll serve your failure with dignity."

Enwa's eyes closed in response, finally able to draw in a whole breath since Ben had winded her. It was going to be a long night.

...

AN: Honestly I am such a sucker for slow burns. But even more than that, I want some characterization, I want so much plot under their belt that even Kylo Ren would struggle to keep it under wraps. I want love, baby! Hope this chapter doesn't dissappoint. We are going to watch Ben simataneously rise in the friendships that he's gaining and totally fall with new knowledge that comes his way... I am so freaking excited.

If you have time, let me know what you think! PM me any fic recs too, I don't care if you're on anon, I'm having trouble finding TFA ones I wanna read. Also, I will be watching the original movies starting this Thursday; wish me luck, I'm truly lost now.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Not the Type of Girl to Kill on the First Date

It was undoubtedly somewhere in the space of hours that Enwa had left on her solitary journey when Ben awoke with his bed coverings twisted around his middle. At first, he couldn't discern what woke him, it was as if someone had called his name but staring rigidly ahead still produced no elaboration of that theory.

Much in the style of the young Padawan, she had slipped out before the rest of them had even finished with their training. The majority of the students hadn't noticed, too caught up in their own battles, though Fescren had acknowledged the choice with the barest of nods.

Unable to determine the time, Ben hopped from his cot, passing by an open-mouthed snoring Granmore on his way out of their lodging. The hallway was open to the island around it, windows pouring in the night's air which felt cooler than when they all stood around each other. He got all the way to the doorway, his ears perked and eyes searching. Still, nothing. Reality set in, then, and he pushed his mind out the same way he'd been trying to push out the rest of his senses. The Force, he forgot in times of calm, was a better sense than the rest of his combined. It was through this that he instantaneously was able to see the figure struggling against what might have been a Keptae. He could hear the grunts of the scaly thing as it butted its head into the legs of a very familiar figure. He felt, suddenly, the jolt of pain from one of that thing's tusks. Or perhaps it was one of the horns that he felt drag across his leg in a blunt scraping force that was sure to tear skin. But it was what he sensed through the Force that suddenly had Ben spinning back to his room with a purpose; helplessness. He didn't know if there were more of the Keptae around, or how accurate his vision was, but he did know with an incredulous certainty that Enwa felt fear.

Fescren watched the boy pile out of his own dwelling, his boots barely tied up, and his training stick over his shoulder. She'd felt a disturbance in the force as well, and would have gone after the girl had it felt more dire. But it appeared that Ben Solo might have more than a bit of hero in him. She could let him handle it until proven otherwise. With a resigned wave of her hand she made her way back to her own quarters.

Ben followed the tether to his chest with all the accuracy of a blaster bullet, and hopefully a little bit more grace. He'd run about this terrain for the majority of his childhood, in the night it felt both familiar and alien. At least it was familiar enough to keep track of where he was. Having chased her from the center of the island he had much less distance to cover than she had when she started on the outer rim, he probably ran for 900 pec before finally breaking toward the shore. With the ground suddenly shifting from a dirt substance to the unstable sand he'd almost lost his footing but his eyes stayed on the figure which he'd run to. Hurriedly taking his training stick out he'd broke through with all the efficiency of a Jedi Master, save for his heaving chest.

Pent up energy lead him to accidentally ignore Enwa's exclamation of surprise and the words that followed it but he turned violently when her hand went to touch the back of his shoulder. He looked at her then. The wound he'd felt from his vision had already come to pass. He'd probably seen it happen, but otherwise she was no worse for wear. Her brow had sweat that he could see through one of this planet's four moons, and she looked like she'd been crying but otherwise? Ben shook away enough of his focus to pay attention to her, his wooden saber lowering.

"Ben...what are you doing?"

He looked at her with an expression that might have been offended if he didn't also appear so confused simultaneously, he gestured with his weapon toward her leg. Perhaps Ben could have been more articulate if it wasn't for the smile that crept over Enwa's face, it was the warmth that pushed through the tether to his chest that really got him.

"But why...? Er, maybe how?" She laughed then, a breathless sound that was too rough to be cute.

"I felt you, saw you, through the Force and you felt..." He recalled the disparity of the feeling he was bombarded by but he felt promptly unwilling to tell her that she'd felt helpless so then he amended, "You felt like you needed help." Yes, that was better.

She dragged her sleeve across her nose, unwilling to use her bloody hands to wipe at her face. "Uh... Maybe." It was a horrifying realization to find that the back of her throat was burning. She'd felt so relieved after the initial terror of seeing that someone had come to help her. Relief that came after walking alone in a dangerous dark was apparently enough to fill her eyes with tears. Now, she was shifting her feet, sniffling and looking toward the ocean.

Ben, much to his credit, was unafraid of tears and rushed her with all the concern of a mother hen. Unfortunately he had none of the tact necessary not to startle her and she looked at him, horrified that he was coming closer to her while she was crying. Oblivious, he'd ducked down to her leg. "Does it hurt? Where is that Keptae?" One hand out toward her leg and his attention swiveled again to the dark forest edge.

"It's gone, I killed it." The voice trembled but it was the pulse to his chest that came with the realization. She didn't call because she was in danger; she called because she feels guilty for taking something's life. As if in reaction to Ben's epiphany, her face crumpled and she let out an ugly sob, her face twisted toward the sky away from him. "I couldn't get aw-way from it. It just kept ch-charging me and I..." Her whole body had begun to wind like a spring, her energy already having sprung everywhere. She was having trouble anchoring herself despite the fact that her hands had bawled into fists by her eyes.

She wished she could say that she was embarrassed; she wished she could say that when Ben's arms came around her that she'd pushed him away. Instead they ended up the picture of two kids on the beach confronting a truth they'd rather avoid. Ben figured out the truth differently, his hadn't come with tears. He remembered the first time he'd killed something- even on accident it had filled him with a sickness that faded into satisfaction. It was hard to believe that something could be so powerful to completely snuff something else out.

But it wasn't like that with Enwa. And though he felt the awkwardness of his age, it was the memories of his mother holding him when tears struck that had pushed him forward.

"It took forever to die! I can't get it out of my head... I can't..." She shook her head viciously into his shoulder which effectively buried her deeper into him.

It had taken her barely any time to remember herself, her energy coming back to her like a reverse explosion and she'd shoved him none-too-gently away. Instead of being offended, Ben grinned at her. Her actions and her mind were entirely different; she was this snarling creature with a Force that was as calm as any he'd ever felt. She was someone that pushed him away physically but he felt their bond pull even tighter even as he moved away.

"Whatever, I'll be fine..." She sniffed, ducking down to the water to push her face in before taking a breath. "You can go back if you want."

He nodded, but as she took her steps forward his followed.

...

Enwa, he'd once thought, was a relatively quiet thing. Either their relationship had changed drastically or Ben had been an idiot. She could chatter better than his father and none of it managed to be personal. Instead, she told stories.

She'd talk about the time that she saved an entire family trapped in a space craft. A lie. She'd tell him about the slug that ate her Loth-cat and so she went out and got it back from it. A fabrication. Currently she was spinning a tale of when she helped give birth to a woman that had fallen down in the shop she'd been cleaning.

It was his horrified expression at the depiction of her sliding her hand's up to grasp the child's head that finally get Enwa laughing.

"Will you please change stories again?" Ben shook his head, unable to fully get the image of his head, especially when he still remembered her hands stained with blood from the Keptae.

"Actually, that one was true..." She bared her teeth at him, unapologetic as ever.

Ben would be hard pressed to call her pretty, Granmore thought she was cute and Ben could maybe see that. But she was so rough despite her smooth energy. Still, he felt lost to discover this side of her and with a shake of his head he asked, "What is with you?"

He meant it playfully, his dry tone accompanied by a half smile. But her own grin faded and the breath she took in obviously prepared to something to be admitted.

"I'm sorry. I had you... wrong...I was wrong. I'm sorry how I've been acting."

Ben looked around as if expecting some direction had come from a being he hadn't recognized around him. Predictably finding no possible stimuli to have warranted such a response he looked to her expectantly.

"I thought you were no good...You made me nervous, I'm sorry. I feel like a real Moof-Milker, I can't believe you'd come after me or stay with me."

It was at this moment he remembered the caution in her eyes, or her shifted attention if he would enter a conversation, he recalled the fear when he'd had her out of the circle.

"Did you have a reason...for that? Whatever that feeling was?" Her mouth parted as if ready to explain, but she looked at him hard. Underneath the cover of dark and their sleepless walking, things were coming easier, but some things were still difficult to say.

"Yes..." Ben let the answer hang, wondering if he could push it. It was hard to tell if he was just feeding off her nervousness or the pounding of his heart was fully due to his own. "I felt something from you." Her mouth twisted at the words as if they were sour.

"I had this dream when I was little...probably right after I first met you. The trees pushed at me like hands and I kept having to run away from something. I felt the ground crumbling, I was looking for a way out."

She wasn't looking at him anymore, which was probably a good thing because he'd become still. Their feet still moved but Ben held his breath- her voice had that power.

"And I slipped down this hole where Master Skywalker was hiding, he was sick or something but he was trying to tell me something about Darth Vader. Someone else slipped down after me and I had to run, climbing up back to the trees only this time they didn't grab me. It was then that I ran into you..."

He looked to her, his mouth parted, he wanted to interrupt this all of a sudden, it felt too real.

"You didn't see me, you were waiting for something. And this thing came up from the ground. It was a man but he wasn't actually there, his edges were fuzzy." She shook her head. "Even in the dream, it hurt to look at him, like he was sucking me in if I looked too hard. But you looked right at him; he told you that if you were to find yourself and your true name you must pull from the root. Then we were back at the academy only it was covered in these vines and you were looking for something. You came to this base of this...well it was grotesque really it barely looked like a flower at all. But you reached into it, slipping your hand down the stem and into the earth and pulled it out..."

She shuddered at the same time Ben did. He saw the flower in her head before she even described it. It was a nasty thing, but also beautiful, full of color and much more like a tree trunk in its structure.

"When you pulled it out by the roots I went to scream at you, knowing it was you even though you looked different. Except every time I said 'Ben' it felt wrong, like you couldn't hear me. You just held that ugly split flower and it was bleeding and it struggled, it hurt me I think, or maybe you did. I ended up screaming and when you looked at me well... You weren't you at all."

She licked her lips, checking over to the boy by her side almost to reassure herself that he wasn't the thing she was remembering.

"Darth Vader killed my grandparents... It was before I was alive but sometimes I remember them in my dreams as if I was there... Ben, when you looked at me in my dream it wasn't you; it was Vader, all mangled and jagged..."

She kept her eyes downward. Ben wanted to say something, felt it hopping from behind his closed lips, but he could also see what she was depicting and he could see what she wasn't saying.

"Later when I learned that you were his grandson I felt like... I don't know. Like I was right?"

Enwa looked to him for confirmation now, reassurance that what she was saying wasn't falling on deaf ears. Ben almost wished it was.

"So...because of a dream you've basically been weird to me but now you feel like you were wrong?"

He tried to make it sound ridiculous, it did sound ridiculous but she was looking at him with this probing expression. It suddenly occurred to him that she could read his mind.

"Is that...a real story?"

She didn't need to offer up a positive affirmation, he knew she'd been telling the truth. But she nodded anyway with a deep sigh. The tense energy was slowly dissipating and Ben yearned for his bed.

"Well...I promise not to rip up any of your flowers."

For a moment she was ready to be defensive, afraid he was mocking her from a superior standpoint where things made sense and dreams didn't mean anything to him. But when she looked onto his faraway expression she smiled.

...

Well after sunrise the pair returned back to camp. They'd gotten in their fair share of arguments where Enwa had told him to go back and to leave her alone where he almost left. But didn't. No, they returned hip at hip and scowl for scowl. Enwa hadn't even bothered to put up a front, nor had she asked permission before she returned to her cot without showering. Ben attempted to proclaim that he was stronger for his journey around the circumference of the island. And he was. But it was only a half an hour in attempting to rejoin training with the rest of the Padawan's that they found Ben asleep under the tree that he was supposed to be meditating under.

Fescren had nudged him awake with her foot, yelling at him to get back to work or to get into bed. Ben had chosen to get to work and ended up snapping predictably at one of the other Padawan's. With a mighty heave Fescren put him back into his quarter despite his shouting.

"Success is not only about your passion, Solo!I advise you remember that..." With a click to unncessarily lock his door, arbitrarily keeping the Padawan confined to his quarters, Fescren waited for a moment only to grin at the antics.

"Dedication appears in many forms and, right now, you should dedicate yourself to rest."

From the outside perspective it was clear Knight Fescren thought of Ben Solo as a trouble maker who was burdening the training process of the other Padawans outside. This, however, was very different from the impression she gave to Luke Skywalker when he returned to the academy. Instead of the petulant child who didn't know his limits; she emphasized the young man who had gone after his heart to walk the circumference of the island with a girl who he'd defeated in training.

Fescren communicated to Luke that he had an amazing group of sissies who would sooner die together than survive separately and that he should be proud.

The slow smile on a troubled face had proven how proud he was indeed.

...

AN: Took a break from doing my teacher stuff to post this chapter thanks to CharlotteCAgain who favorited. I'm so happy to stumble on other authors who have posted origin stories- the really get me for whatever reason.

This chapter is a definite upswing for Ben, I hope you all are realizing the lessons that he's been taught without me shoving them too hard in your eyeballs. As always, PM me with fic recs and if you have time, let me know what you think!


	8. Chapter 8

**AN** : Don't get me wrong, I mean, this chapter is completely necessary. Lately, Ben has had his faith restored in the Jedi Academy and maintaining relationships. It's supposed to be some large swinging pendulum that will inevitably fall to the other side. This is the beginning of the other side, and also the last chapter of Ben being 13. Unfortunately, it's also the last chapter of daily updates. I will be updating hopefully on a weekly basis, but student teaching kicks my butt and this will be the last day of spring break for me. I hope you enjoy! I won't have as much time to read ff as I have been doing this week but I would still love to save any you feel the need to recommend in my PMs. Kisses!

...

Ben had gone to sleep half delirious with exhaustion, Enwa ended up with an infection from the Keptae gash on her leg, falling into a fever that probably started during the night they walked along the ocean's edge. Overall they were better than Fescren had expected so when Ben went to his Uncle in a rage of who Skywalker left in charge was some psychopath who made Enwa do the walk by herself Luke had laughed.

The Master clasped his nephew's son with a grip that sent warmth to the muscles beneath.

"You have grown so much."

His blue eyes sparkled but Ben would not be dissuaded so easily.

"Aren't you upset? She could have died! And I know there should have been at least twelve of us more who were knocked out of the circle so why didn't she make them do it?"

His face was twisted, his breathing was heavy and meanwhile Luke's hand moved to the offending hair that had been pushed into Ben's eyes.

"Knight Fescren wasn't about to make any of you do it. She chose to let Enwa go because she felt that Enwa needed to learn that she couldn't think her way out of everything. Someone has to pay the price eventually."

"Well what's the point of that?" Ben demanded in a sudden roar, shoving off the affectionate hand. Luke's eyes flickered but he didn't have to ask why. Already his sister's son was waving his arms about as he explained. "You taught us the value of teamwork right? To not listen to what your superiors told you if it meant taking someone else down. So how can both be true? How can she be rewarded for one thing and then punished for the same?"

His chest heaved, he felt dark on the edge of his vision that was more than physical. It didn't make sense, it seemed like chaos. And he kept remembering how Enwa cried on his shoulder and he felt the need to protect that moment. Luke was still in his Force even as he moved to Ben. He probed the outside of the volatile energy that belonged to his nephew, calming him.

"When I had you place your head under the water... What is the worst thing that could have happened to you?"

Ben faltered at the switch in conversation, fighting to pull his head back to where the question made sense. "I would have... Stayed under." Luke nodded.

"In the test you received when you first came here, if you failed it would have been death as the worst possible result." He let that motion sink in before asking slowly. "In the worst case scenario, what would have happened to Enwa's friend had Enwa chosen to fight her way instead of to worm her way out of it?"

Ben's face twisted, "She would have lost Enwa is way stronger than her." Luke waited for the realization to come to his nephew. But when none appeared to be on the horizon he reached up to his face, rubbing at his beard.

"If the worst case scenario is death compared to a damaged pride, which do you think is more important?" When Ben's eyes continued to search the floor instead of his mind, Luke sighed and put his hand back to the rightful place on the other's shoulder. "If someone above you tells you to do something that might damage another's pride there could be reason. But watching someone above you drown out a life, theoretically or literally, is when you should step in." He gave the shoulder beneath him a small shake, attempting to wrest a smile out of the young man. It would not be long before he had to reach down to do this; already Ben had grown almost as tall as him."You must know when to listen to others and when to listen to yourself...understand?"

With another friendly shake, Ben nodded slowly before leaving the room in a much more subdued fashion than when he entered.

...

It had been weeks since the beach walk. He'd kept the giant eye from some unknown creature that had washed up on the shore, much to Enwa's chagrin. He found that he liked to gross her out; he liked to do everything to her that spurred a reaction. Most of the time this reaction was negative because those are easy to control. But for the most part, he found her attitude had not changed toward him much, she was still too blunt and her sense of humor was a little cruel. In comparison, it was Ben who felt like the little lamb, which may be why he attempted to lash out to her, gain some form of control.

Even so, he felt... Lighter. As gruff as she was, being around her was like having a lozenge for a sore throat he didn't have. She just said things, did things, without giving much of a care what anyone thought.

That didn't mean he wasn't going to try to scare the moons out of her when she went on her morning run.

He'd gotten up early on one of their holidays, some famous Jedi died or something or other like a hundred years ago so they didn't have training as a group. For most of them, this meant shenanigans. For Ben and Enwa it usually meant training. And Ben would train, but first he was going to find a spot to hide where he could run at her and catch her unawares. Hopefully this time she'd fall over mid run. That was probably the best thing he could picture though he would settle for that face she made when she was surprised.

So he'd run crouched through the underbrush, skulking. Deciding that an aerial attack might be the best suited he climbed up the side of a rock face, leaning up against a tree.

On the other hand, if he could see her she would probably see him. That is, if she didn't sense his presence first. On this line of thought he scrambled to the other side of the tree with the intention of more cover. But his foot found more cover than he'd bargained for and slipped immediately beneath the roots of the tree.

He slid with all the force of one who had put down their entire weight onto an empty pit. His unsuspecting stomach even jumped into his throat, his hand flailing at the tree to catch himself. Pulling his foot that hand plunged from the underbrush he readjusted his weight to the much more sturdy ground. With his newly needed preparation he bent down, his lanky form was a little match for the half-living vines that had crawled to conceal the hole he'd almost plunged into. By how far he'd almost fallen it had to be bigger than what a Sopowar would dig, so this was probably something else. If Enwa had been here she probably would have stuck both her feet in to test it without even having a good look, but she would have been greatly mistaken. Instead of some foot-sized hole, it was a tunnel carved out purposefully to a door built under the roots. His hand reached into his robe to brandish his newly formed lightsaber.

Making the handle had been difficult, but worth it. Luke said it was good practice to know how to engineer your own and trial and error was part of the game. For the most part, he liked it- though he wasn't fully adept at the building aspect his Force was more acutely trained than the other students. So it would do for now.

But more importantly, at the moment, it touched light on what the sun couldn't reach.

Careful to keep the sword away from his body, Ben slipped into the dank hole, immediately tasting the dirt he'd kicked up on the way down. The door wasn't particularly old; the material around it was rotting in a way that suggested it had not had any access to the light for a long while. It took a moment for him to realize the inscription on the outside was one statement. For a moment he tried to internally process it but no immediate meaning came to mind.

Finally, he uttered the words slowly as he could make them out.

"Feed me to let me live but give me a drink and I shall die..." Or at least...That's what it looked like it said. He brought his lightsaber closer, perhaps it was something else, or maybe something that was too worn with the wet to make out? The lightsaber dropped closer to his focus and the moment it got close enough to one of the vines it suddenly lit like he'd set off a match. Immediately it sparked with such ferocity he drew himself back in, scrambling up the side but already that had caught fire too. It looked, suddenly, as if the entire place caught flame and he suddenly had this eerie certainty that he would have to chance running up the flaming hole so he would not be burned alive. It circled him faster than possible, the vines setting off sparks as they burned and gathering where his lightsaber had touched the ground toward the door when suddenly it popped open with a sigh and an anti-climactic puff of smoke.

Like hair, the vines had caught easily and extinguished themselves just as quickly, snuffed out like they'd done their duty. It was only when he realized that the uncomfortable, albeit temporary, heat had not disappeared entirely and he looked to see his right pant leg caught aflame from where the vines had caught to the right of him. Clumsily whacking at the offending heat the young man heaved even as he looked toward the door.

It had been so wet in here so the vines would have never caught flame if it weren't for the spark of his lightsaber.

Feed me and I live, give me a drink and I will die.

Brilliant.

The hole had nearly killed him, or at least made him incredibly uncomfortable, and flammable plants weren't about to be his calling and yet there was something compelling about that dark hole that the trap door had opened up to. It was hard to tell if there had been some sorcery about it or whether the plants were meant to act as a fuse to someone who could figure it out. But either way...

Hesitantly he crawled toward the opening as if he could catch anything off guard if he only moved slowly enough. It might not have been an animal as he originally thought but there could still be something down there. Finally peering over to the side enough he used his saber to determine the space and found himself disappointed. The area was small, smaller than his room in the Academy.

And yet curious. "What would a bunker be doing here?"

After all, he couldn't find another word for it. He could see food, a makeshift bed, piles of books and puzzles and it was all neatly organized. Whatever the bunker had been built for, it hadn't been used.

Feeling more confident Ben cheerfully fell into the hole. Decidedly keeping his saber away from anything else, he circled slowly before his eyes falling to the books and papers that were in stacks up to his mid thigh. The stuff on the top was too faded to be useful. But the rest of it looked like schematics potentially. It was so weird to see paper copies of everything he was used to being digital. Who would have a need for this?

Ben found his answer in one of the first texts that he uncovered underneath another bundle of loosely tethered paper. It was a text on Force theory which he would have ignored if it didn't have the stamp of The Empire on the back.

Suddenly the damp air of the hole seemed oppressively cold and he could feel the condensation or sweat begin to bead on the back of his neck. A bunker like this was probably from someone who was an Empire sympathizer. Or maybe a member of the Empire themselves.

Suddenly much more motivated, Ben started pulling out any interesting texts he immediately found in the pile. Empire texts were all obliterated when it fell, seen as propaganda of a fallen enemy. But the weird thing to picture was the reality of the Empire. Ben had never seen so many primary sources on the theory that nearly dominated the galaxy and suddenly he was panting in excitement. He dragged the books out with him temporarily, filling his arms to take back to the light when he was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt.

No, he was overwhelmed with paranoia. Suddenly fearful that if he brought back the books Luke would put them away behind some locked door. Or potentially destroy them as the other texts had done. Maybe he'd send them off to a galactic library to be studied if they were rare enough. Regardless, he didn't see his Uncle waving a cheery hand and wish him good luck with his new reading material. But Ben wanted it. He wanted to unfiltered version of the Empire; he had the chance to look at it. Yet, he couldn't sneak in a huge bunch of heavy tomes.

Holding still for just a moment the Padawan assessed his understanding of the situation before making a choice. He could bring something easy to hide and then cover this place up. He'd only found it on accident, if someone had been looking for it they would have already found it. But it would be safe for now. He'd tell his Uncle about it after he'd had his fill, or maybe he'd just cover it up with earth and forget it as the rest of time had already done. For now, however, he took a slim and unmarked text. It had notes in the margins and was small enough to fit inside his tunic without anyone directly looking for it. It beat next to his gut along with his excited pulse during his entire run back to the academy.


	9. Chapter 9

...

"Why does the Jedi order discourage love?"

Ben was wiping the sweat out of his eyes, attempting to appear nonchalant but, as usual, nothing really escaped his Uncle. He'd felt something on the boy's mind shift in these past few months. His own hand hesitated on the side of the rock. It had been a difficult training session for him as well though he didn't appear as winded as his Padawan. The boy's eyes had been focused inward for their entire spar and Luke had exploited it with a couple of painful lessons that would surely bruise on Ben's body. All in all, it wasn't the sort of environment that Luke would assume came with questions of love.

Raising his eyes back to his nephew, Skywalker shook his head slowly.

"The Order does not discourage love...only complicated expressions of it. What do you think that means?"

Ben's face was set with a studious stubbornness, and he ignored the question even as he put his tunic back over his head. The growth spurt that had put him at eye level with his Uncle had now...surpassed him. The passage of time occasionally stole the Jedi's breath away. _Amazing_ to think that such a being came from two people that Luke loved most. Still, with the rigorous training not ever enough to fight adolescence, Ben remained on the thin side so Luke could hold on and pretend his nephew was still a child. There were times when this could be forgotten.

Ben's childhood dissipated everytime Luke had to pull the boy off another fight. The boy's eyes would flare, his chest heaving and Luke saw flashes of what young Ben Solo would look like on the battlefront. The image of a masked figure holding a jagged saber.

The image before him was much different, the Padawan's collarbone shown under the unblemished pale skin even if his eyes burned. "It doesn't make sense. If compassion is our end goal, connection to others and everything else, then why can't we devote ourselves to one person? A family?"

It was obvious by the way Ben's lips twitched that this question had a root somewhere important to him; though Luke couldn't fully determine where. One thing that he was sure of was the loneliness that had haunted Ben Solo. He was not the only Padawan that was draped with it, it was nigh impossible to be content without a family. And yet Luke could not have brought himself to have demanded students be enrolled as toddlers or infants like the Academy had done for so long in the past. His only hope was that his students could find family in one another- and in that aspect, at least Ben seemed to be attached to a few members of the Academy.

"Solo..." Skywalker addressed him slowly as his hand called the boy's lightsaber to him with the Force. With a gentle hand he offered it to the boy. "If you were stationed in the attempt to protect one planet from the dangers of their civil war and you got notice of your wife and child in danger from a band of rebels back at your home planet... what would you do?"

Ben blinked slowly, but once again refused to answer. "Master, that's hardly the point If we don't have something to fight for then why would we fight?"

Much to the boy's chagrin, Master Skywalker was already shaking his head. "We do not fight because of a concrete reason; we only fight to do the right thing. That is where your loyalties must lie instead of in personal attachments."

Instead of understanding flooding the boy's eyes, he watched them turn cool to his gaze. Though Ben wasn't in direct connection to his Force abilities, the strength of them also made up for it. Luke could practically feel the walls go up around the boy's mind. Whatever Ben was thinking, he certainly didn't want his Master to know. With an imploring expression, Luke measured up the expression before him.

"... I believe that if we stayed any longer you would miss your evening meal." Luke finally ventured. Long after Ben Solo left, Luke's head remained filled full with a disembodied stress.

...

"It has nothing to do with what is right." Ben mumbled even as he moved in correlation to Enwa's movements. They'd been practicing like this for years. There was always a small fleet of droids available for sparring though few students took advantage of the opportunity as much as Enwa and Ben did. By now, he understood her footsteps without having to hear or see them it was a carefully choreographed dance that they never had to memorize. Striking from above he knew from instinct that Enwa would take advantage of the droid's redirected focus and plunge her lightsaber into its side. They both retreated, at the ready in case it wasn't a mortal blow but that was only out of habit. They both expected the power down of the droid and the end of the simulation that determined their victory.

"Of course it does..." She finally responded, not having broken a sweat from their routine exercise. She would need more of a challenge soon. Yet, she still all out refused to spar him and hadn't since that night two years ago. "You have to put your priority where it matters. And if you want to be a Jedi Master or Knight then you have to make that your first priority." Putting the lightsaber into its holster she turned to face him and felt herself still as she realized he hadn't even extinguished his saber. Instead he had fixated on the tip of it with a far away expression. Especially with the sword under his eyes in combination with the overhead lights above, Enwa couldn't help but see the circles under his eyes having darkened again. Respectfully she stretched her Force to him.

It was amazing how much tact her Force had when there was no other part of her that was soft. Without realizing it he let her in enough for it to ground him and he moved his fingers automatically to switch off the saber.

"No... No... It's like we're only training to be dogs. Making sure that nothing, no matter how worthwhile, could ever be as important as the authority of the Order... I don't understand what makes us different from the Dark Side when I look at it like that." Enwa stayed quiet, for once; even as she stood over across their training floor with an unreadable expression he could still feel her concern. "I feel like I need more guidance."

The confession on his was so small compared to the thoughts that generated it. In truth, he felt like he was drifting and unsure. Enwa assured him that he was not the only one and this did not make him bad. But with Luke's expression in mind, Ben was not so sure that his Master would be so kind.

"You know Master Skywalker's busy... He took on too many Padawan in effort to re-establish some sort of Force Sensitive community." Ben looked to her now, conflicted even as she stood so sure. It was exhausting being next to someone that was so solid, like being with his Uncle. He suddenly felt the urge to go to Granmore instead; at least Granmore actually acted his age.

There was another part of him, the same part that locked on her too-light gaze that desperately wanted to either bury his face in her neck. He wanted to tell her about the voice in his head that told him he wasn't good enough to be pure with the Light. It was almost as vicious as the voice that told him he could never have enough power to feel safe. In a moment like this, he wanted to confess to her about his dreams where he and her had a very different relationship. These dreams had the same sort of ferocity that the nightmares of his childhood had brought.

Unlike his nightmares where blood coated his hands, his dreams felt like a fantasy. His nightmares were real and close and just two missteps in another direction. But in his dreams his long time best friend would press her lips to his in a way though would ignite him like his nightmares didn't. He felt in his dreams, with a cruel clarity, that he could be pulled apart and laid low. It was hard to tell which felt closer to his reality or his heart...

It was a sharp contrast his brightest nightmares demonstrated all the power he could ever desire and his darkest dreams taunted what was standing before him. And both scenarios were impossible if he wanted to stay true to the Jedi Order. Looking into the eyes of who his best friend was, he didn't quite see the woman from his dreams who would run her hands through his hair and reach up to touch him in all the places that would ache when he woke up. No, Enwa wasn't the Enwa from his dreams. But she could be. Pushed forward by his realization, he stepped toward her. Then, of course, the nightmare resurfaced, and his feet stilled in their advance.

So instead; Ben Solo let the thoughts fall out of his head with a literal shake and resigned himself to keep his dreams to himself. It seemed the only choice that ever existed in the light was for him to not make any choice at all. This was the only path that wouldn't lead him astray.

...

That night he dreamt of the cavern under the trees- it was a place many of his dreams started. This time, however, he didn't even get the chance to set his lightsaber on the trapdoor before he felt the shift of reality. It was no longer a hallowed bunker, but instead, a monstrous hall. At first the scene appeared to be a cave, everything felt so dark and cold, but he realized the rafters of stone were not a part of cave walls but instead pillars.

"You're early, Kylo Ren..."

Ben's head rounded quickly on the sudden audio that echoed throughout the immense cavern. From behind him, transforming from the shadows, was the creature in a mask that he had followed so often from his childhood. But this was not the same vision he was used to. The familiarity ended with the tattered edges of the figure's cowl and Ben watched with mounting awe and horror at the appearance of another man. This must have been the figure that spoke for he could only imagine such a voice coming from the towering figure. Its face struck a very different kind of awareness in him, he knew in his dream that it was a hologram, but he was so certain he'd seen the face before. It was a twisted and gnarled face, seated on a throne that was taller than 5 of him stacked on top of himself. It was a monstrous thing.

With the description, Ben was bemused at the assault to his senses that came over him. A sense of belonging...calm...peace.

It was not hard to determine that these feelings came from the masked creature- this, at least, was common in his dreams. He had always followed the figure like a shadow, never recognized, but with a connection that he never felt during his waking hours. Oftentimes they would travel the galaxy, or the thing would execute his will on those deserving of it so the scene before him of his idolized dream-figure was previously unseen.

"Master...I've done what you wished; I need my next order." The mechanical voice that erupted from underneath the mask was well known to Ben, but the idea of having his idol worshiping this 30 foot tall hologram had him reeling. The "Master" appeared to suddenly lose the attention that he'd been focusing on the masked man before him, his colossal hands folding together.

"You have done well...but was it necessary to bring company?"

The "Master" and the figure he now knew to be Kylo Ren seemed to consider the air and Ben's heart beat a jarring rhythm in his ears. In one horrifying moment; both the gargantuan monster and the masked creature turned to face him slowly. It was the masked creature who spoke slowly.

"Ben Solo..." The sound warped even farther than the synthesizer allowed and Ben felt the pulse in his ears hammer with a sudden renewed vigor as he made eye contact with the figure whose vision was wavering. Suddenly he saw even more memories that did not belong to him. People and aliens fell to his hand, their faces blurring in one cacophony of agony and spinning so quickly that the only thing he could determine was their fear. Through eye-holes that he didn't yet know, Ben watched as his Mother raised a gun with the intent to shoot him and his mind whirled. He saw Enwa and the flower she mentioned, only instead of it being the thing to bleed the wound poured from her midsection and she looked up at him young and terrified like she had been when they had sparred in the circle and things continued spinning. Visions poured into him with increasing speed with the only constant now being this surge of pride that hummed under his sternum. Like he was creating something even as he destroyed. But the pride wasn't his. Ben was horrified by the sights from the eyeholes of the mask he wore, and simultaneously he could not look away. Just when hot blood bubbled up under his hand one of the visions stuck. He was holding a man in the air using only the force. Slowly his gloved hand entered his field of vision. Unbidden to him his fist brought up shining before his eyes, holding the levitated man in his vision. No Ben whispered as loud as he could in his head. The man was squirming now as Ben felt the hand that wasn't his begin to clench slowly. It shook, but not with strain, but with excitement. The man continued to squirm and Ben tried viciously to rid himself of the vision.

It was like that one time that the Loth-cat had swiped at him when he was little; he'd wanted to teach it a lesson not knowing what he was doing. But this time, he did know what he was doing. It was then that Ben realized he'd been watching through the eyeholes of the masked creature he'd always seen in his dreams. The trembling hand before him held all the familiarity and all of the power that he'd seen the Force-user hold. He was in the mind of Kylo Ren he was Kylo Ren.

One twist of Kylo's wrist and the floating man screamed until his throat gurgled with the blood that filled his lungs. Kylo had pressed his organs with the force until they exploded and now the man could only thrash even as Kylo passed him aside carelessly.

Ben wanted to be horrified and wanted to get out of this memory and get away from this confrontation. It was like an itch he didn't realized he had and he suddenly realized how satisfying it was to scratch. The man had bothered him and tried to steal from him and the man died because of it. He did that. That was him. That was Kylo Ren.

...

 **AN:** Wow wow wow. Waiting a week (not even) to publish took so much out of me. I can't wait until student teaching is over!

I hope that you all kind of realize that Ben has a suspicion he is the hooded figure that he's been following in his dreams. Introducing Snoke too! Only more chapter of Ben Solo at 15 then the rating will increase. I have the next three written and then I'll be moving into the end. I can possibly be persuaded to post earlier than next week but for now I want to stay on the weekly schedule only because I don't know if I can keep up with unstructured kind of "whatever" updates.

As always, PM me with recs! I'd love some more TFA fanfiction, I haven't read all that many. And if you have the time and patience to review, I'd love to see it.


	10. Chapter 10

Ben slammed into himself with all the violence of reality feeling quite suddenly that he would throw up. Trembling he tried to will the feeling down, hopefully if he didn't stir himself and didn't think about it he wouldn't vomit on his own floor. The feeling passed with torturous lethargy and Ben finally gulped in some much needed air.

It was getting cooler on the island and in his sleep he'd kicked off his covers to reveal the expanse of all his pale skin. He saw his freckles on him like a sparse constellation but in his mind he still saw the black tattered clothes and those gloves. Abruptly he decided to give himself something else to look at and he wobbled unsteadily toward the door to their dwelling. So fixated on thinking about nothing and wishing himself into oblivion that he did not feel Granmore approaching.

Understanding his friend's quiet, the boy bent down slowly. He was older than Ben but already Ben had dwarfed him and he felt the warmth of his own skin in sharp contrast to his companions.

"Bad dream, Padawan?" He thought Ben would look at him, or at least smirk, but he'd done nothing for a whole 2 pecs.

"Yes... Or no...I'm not sure..." Ben buried his face in hands that were still too large for his wrists, a sure sign he was going to grow even taller. "I'm so confused... I dream of things that are so different from what I should want."

Granmore felt his breath still, his eyes drilling holes into the side of his friend's head. "...Me too." He finally admitted in a hushed tone.

Ben looked at him now, appearing desperate quite suddenly. He searched Granmore's face with a new urgency. "You do? You've dreamt about it too?"

Granmore's anxiety was quickly bubbling into an excitement that was hard to tamp down. Never had he hoped that his friend dreamt the same thing he did. He felt a kick low in his stomach and licked his lips quickly. "I think its normal... Well maybe it isn't but it's good to know that other people could go through it." Ben's relief was palpable in the air; Granmore had never felt the boy so unguarded. He was shifting toward Granmore now, his eyes continuing to search his eyes and his Force unknowingly reaching out to confirm the conversation was truly happening. "Honestly man..." Granmore continued "I had no idea. I mean you were always with Enwa so I thought that's how it was with you..."

Ben's excitement was taken over moderately by confusion. "Well...No, Enwa isn't like that but it hasn't changed how I felt. I don't pretend with her though, she knows."

Granmore's lips parted in surprise, leaning forward in some barley contained awe. "Wait, you told Enwa you're gay? Who else knows?"

The previous confusion that had touched Ben now stilled everything in his body. Suddenly it was all stone. His elation sunk like a rock in his stomach, his throat closed up like a cave in and yet he still managed to choke out. "...You were talking about being gay...?" It was at this point that his hands started shaking, the rage in him was telling him to take it out on Granmore. Disappointed, sinking Ben's face screwed up as he turned away his eyes hot. His chest raged with the desire to strangle his friend, his head screaming, his heart hurt. He thought he was close, he thought he wasn't alone. Now it crushed him.

He remembered the look in his Mother's eyes when she'd told him he was going to the Jedi Academy. He remembered his father's retreating back from where Ben watched from the window without enough courage to wish him goodbye again. He remembered Luke's grim silence after his nephew had attempted to use the Force on an animal. He felt so small and still too big for the skin that he was in and it was cracking at the seams.

"That's not what I meant Granmore." Ben bit the words out, and even in turmoil so hot that his eyes watered the words sounded strangely dry. "Go back to bed." Without looking at him, Ben knew that he was crushed. But silently his friend had gotten up and left him. Ben didn't want to wait to hear him begin to cry, he himself felt that he couldn't contain the feeling any longer.

"Please...Please... It can't always be like this." Ben didn't know who he was talking to, but he was screaming for help. He missed his mother and couldn't be near her knowing even if he was it wouldn't be enough, nothing was ever enough. With a strangled sob Ben had ripped to his feet. It was one thing to feel cruelly isolated and tormented in his dreams with things he couldn't have and couldn't decide if he wanted. It was another to be given hope that he wasn't alone and someone knew his feelings... and then to have it taken away?

He ran barefoot to Enwa's cabin he couldn't bother to hide his raging energy and with Enwa being as perceptive as she was she was already awake at her doorway. As usual, her response was far beyond her fifteen years of age and she was already stiff with concern; completely at the ready. She could have been horrified or laughing at the sight of her powerful friend running to her dwelling in his underwear. But instead, she asked "What's wrong?"

Ben, for the second time that day had wanted to tell her everything. Instead, his mouth betrayed nothing. "I need clothes..." He panted, reminding himself to stay quiet. Realizing now that if he kept up his energy Luke would surely wake up and look out among their homes to find the issue.

She raised her eyebrow to him, her tense expression fading slightly. "I can see that..." She looked notably down at him and he couldn't even find himself to be embarrassed. He simply bowled past her into the small room.

Immediately Enwa's roommate popped up with a very intelligent sounding, "Wha-Whass happening?"Nother drill?"

Already Enwa's influence was extending and her calm voice passed over her friend. "Nothing, don't worry about it, I'm going out with Ben." Her friend appeared to have no further questions and plopped back into her bedding with renewed vigor. Ben, meanwhile, fought to get his breathing under control. Having far less inhibitions than he normally found himself having he moved behind Enwa who was already opening her closet. He wanted to get closer, to drink up that calm energy she always had even when she was biting people's heads off. She stilled when she felt him rest his forehead on the top of her head, his breath hot on the back of her neck. She'd thought of him in this position but in very different circumstances. As a result, her reaction was a diluted one, even if her cheeks had warmed. Turning toward him slowly she put her hands on his shoulders.

She didn't have to ask him anything for him to know she was searching for answers. She felt it, she could read his mind. But it was too chaotic for him to even sort through, never mind an outsider who meant no harm. He sifted through his thoughts to give her something concrete. Ben watched her eyes flutter with the intensity of his stare. "...Did you know Granmore was gay?" His mouth twitched upward at the corners but his eyes were already filling again. Still, he couldn't look away from her.

At his words she lowered her head to stare up at him for a beat before she rolled her eyes. "It was pretty obvious..." She sighed, rubbing his arms in smoothing motions. He offered her a small smile but it was sad. His eyes closed slowly and his head fell onto her forehead like the ocean crashing upon the shore. He breathed her in then. As rough as she was that energy poured on him like balm on a burn, she even smelled like mint. Beneath his physical attention Enwa remained mercifully still, attempting to not let her eyes wander over his exposed collarbone. Sure, she'd seen Ben topless plenty of times, but never this close in the dark when she was painfully unaware of how warm and soft he was. "Ben..." She said softly, closing her eyes. "He's totally in love with you...always has been."

Ben laughed softly but he felt a tear slip over his cheek the thought of Granmore being in love with him only made him more lonely. If she noticed the tear, Enwa was kindly quiet about it. She sensed something else weighed on him but his mind was too loud for her to hear anything, only flashes of pain and desire and fear all together. There was so much fear. He felt so...dark.

"I need to borrow your clothes...I want to go for a walk and clear my head." He stepped away from her now and her hands lingered on him for only a moment before falling back to her sides. "And I'm not about to go back in my room tonight, so can I borrow some of yours?"

Enwa felt the need to point out that he was a head taller than her and almost twice as wide, but she quieted the urge for once and went to her closet. "Well...this one will stretch at least." She muttered producing a shirt that would fit him tightly. Without preamble he pulled it over his head. It was a bit short at the wrist and it exposed a line of skin on his midriff before his underwear but it was better than being exposed. Luckily the pants they all wore were complicated leg wrappings that would fit most sizes. He tied those up as well and felt better if only slightly.

She looked over him and snorted "I'm surprised it fits your fat ass." Her eyes were teasing now; she was obviously waking up a bit and heading back toward her true colors. He rolled his eyes obligingly and went to move toward the door.

"Listen..." She interrupted his gait. He was now hallowed in the doorway, casting a large silhouette by the evening light. He felt very far away all of a sudden, even though she could have stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. She wondered if he would have let her. Instead her hands clenched into her nightclothes and she sighed. "You can come by and sleep in here when you get back."

He turned slightly and offered one of his rare smiles. "Thank you." Turning back toward the open night he took in the view of all their dwellings with very little attachment to them. "May I borrow a light?" She looked around in sudden confusion. She didn't really have a portable light. In response she gave him her saber. Surprised at the earthen feel of it in his hand, she felt where she'd embedded the rocks into the handle. It was warm despite not having been touched and unfamiliar and comforting all at once. "Thank you..." He couldn't help but repeat it. Wondrously he ran his hands over the hilt.

He would not return to her room that night.

...

Ben Solo found the hole without any prompting. He was out of breath and shaking now as he ducked into the bunker. Over the past two years he'd separated the astounding amount of texts into piles and he knew them well enough to know what he was looking for. Under her green light the underground room was even more eerie than it usually was, but by her light he found what he was looking for.

Ben had known early on that these were texts from the Empire and the image that one of the books held of one of its leaders had called to him tonight. He saw the unrelenting black of the mask and it pushed him to the point where he burned the back of his knuckles briefly on the saber. Without even taking the time to swear he poured over the book for the figure that was so similar to the one from his dreams- the one who he'd seen again tonight.

Kylo Ren's power, the stain of darkness on his memory, stuck him with a longing to speak to a man he'd never known.

Darth Vader. "Grandfather..." his hushed voice fell onto the page. It was with determination that Ben Solo stared into the eyes of Darth Vader's illustration- looking for answers he felt still eluded him.

And unfortunately for us all, Ben would find them.

...

 **AN:** I know it's short! I'm sorry. I turned in my last teacher test but I wanted to get this out there. This is obviously a down side for Ben. This is the last time we will see Ben as a bitty 15-year old. I'll miss the little babe.

I'm so glad to see that most people are reading this story all the way to the end of it! I'd love to hear what you think or PM me a fic rec. Take care!


	11. Chapter 11

Eighteen and Somewhere In-Between

During his childhood, Ben had gotten into enough fights where the question of his ability to work with his peers was pulled into questions. Jedi weren't meant to work alone, after all. As he got older, his temper seemed to nullify but it was his pride that was dangerous. Instead of turning to the Light, he often turned his hand anger. This was perhaps a common occurrence in the Jedi Academy of old which trained its students into the dust and created a hierarchy of skill to rise above it. In the environment that Luke had created, however, it was clear Ben was different, more powerful but unstable compared to his peers.

Still, it was hard to imagine any of them as good—even those who had never had a scrap in their childhood were denied by the Jedi Council of being too fearful and too self conscious of their own skills. While he was denied by the council for his attachment to his pride and his fear. Ben supposed this was because Luke coddled them and didn't stand over them screaming orders, sometimes he might even wish his Uncle was more like the Academy leaders that used to run with the Padawan.

"If they have time to think, then they have time to dissent. If all that exists is the order than you don't have any room to question yourself..." He'd remarked bitterly.

Enwa had shrugged at the time, she had been approved by the Jedi Counsel a year ago to start being assigned to missions, but she hadn't been found compatible to work with her bunkmate. They favored her stubborn discipline and rigid attachment, but Ben saw it in her eyes that she knew the truth of it—they were hesitant to send a non-human off to represent them as the face of the new generation. It didn't matter how good she was, or how much she adhered to every stupid rule that was thrown at her. Her eyes were slanted, large, and refracted the light like prisms. Her teeth were sharpened to dull points. It was enough where she didn't look like the golden light of the face they wanted. But they wouldn't say so; they would just wait until they could test someone who was more "compatible".

When she'd gotten the notice Ben had watched her look it over and shrug nonchalantly before torching the message in her lighsaber. "Well I guess I'll be sticking around for a bit then.."

It was that night that she was training with the wooden dummy that he got a clearer reaction. The wooden figure had taken many beatings when they were younger, but even the lowest performing Padawan had surpassed it at this point in their training.

He swayed to a stop, his intentions suddenly rooted with the way Enwa was going after the dummy. He was awed by the ferocity in which she attacked the non-sentinent being, striking at it only with her fists. But there was something desperate in the way she did it, like she was trying to make it bleed even while knowing that it would never shed a drop. Fruitless, hopeless.

At first he'd assumed that she knew he was here, he'd never been able to sneak up on her without immense effort. But when he realized how she heaved with the effort of her action that she was crying and simultaneously ignorant of his presence and probably everything else.

The wooden figure was cut in the image of a human, and this might have caused her displaced aggression—like the image had personally denied her. He heard it in her head then and he was unsurprised at the weakness in his own knees at the memory she was tormenting herself with _. Not enough. Never Enough. He saw the note in her mind, lit up and smoldering on the ground. Compatible? They want someone more compatible? No they want someone human, someone so human that no one will notice what I am. What am I? Am I lesser? Lesser no matter how much I want to be enough?_ He couldn't tell whether it was a thought or feeling, but the thread seemed to run deep and he had to swallow against the nauseous waves of self hatred that she was pummeling herself with.

Several times Ben's lips parted and drew in a breath with the intention to catch her attention. If anyone else caught sight of this she would be incredibly angry. Anytime her privacy was invaded was one of the few times that Enwa seemed to get angry. So, he should try to get her attention, save her from that… _right?_ Each time, however, the breath whooshed back out struck dumb and unsure about how to handle her.

When he went off in a fit and went to isolate himself she was there like a pop-up book from hell. The realization of a role switch made him feel very out of place. Maybe he should go get Master Skywalker?

While he watched, one of her strikes broke skin on her knuckles. She'd been undoubtedly powering her strikes with the Force behind them and that had protected the skin up until this point. Her energy was too chaotic to hone. It was the sight of the blood streaked across the practice figure that finally pushed him forward.

"Enwa..." Despite the low and unassuming approach he took, the surprise was enough to send her spinning and Forced herself backward.

"Ben!" The sight of her tripping over the dummy she was previously attacking would have been funny if she didn't look so damn sad. She'd gnawed on her bottom lip til it bled and her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. The glare she shot him was decidedly unfriendly and with a rush he felt her resentment toward him. "It's your fault."

The blatant accusation plus the scowl that set deep ridges in her face let him know that she wasn't exactly going to be weeping into his arms at the moment.

"If you hadn't been such an asshole I could be doing a mission right now... I could be... I could." She dragged her hands through her hair and he felt her energy attempting to reconstruct itself into something recognizable. He was used to her being mad at him, she always was, but he wasn't used to her voice shouting from her mouth as well as from her head. "You're wasting yourself Ben..." She appeared calmer now, but the fact that she wasn't looking at him and her jaw was twitching. "You'd know they'd send us if you could get yourself together..."

His bottom lip twitched, "You can't blame that on me...Why won't they let you go?" He already knew the answer but her unwillingness to say it out loud twisted her face. Just when he thought he'd receive a similar treatment as the wooden dummy—her energy shrank again.

"... I don't look human enough. They said it's because I wasn't compatible but what they really meant was that they needed someone more human looking to balance me out."

His expression roamed seriously over her face. It was a face that had been familiar to him for the past eleven years and eventually he'd stopped seeing her that way. But even as children the other Padawan had picked her out as the one they'd assume to go to the Dark Side. Eventually, they'd stopped looking at her like an outsider when they found out how in tune she was with the Force. They'd seen it as a justification for why she would be included. Luke Skywalker was part of this treatment; the fact that they'd been raised with each other as children was the other part of it. The council might have been the same way, but it depended on the reputation of her species.

Ben's eyes narrowed in thought glancing over her features with consternation. Enwa looked back at him defensively, she was obviously going to make him ask explicitly.

"...What are you...? Why are they worried about it?"

She seemed to be expecting the question but she hadn't yet decided if she wanted to answer. She put her hands over her face briefly as if remembering what it looked like. It was difficult to look at Ben. So human, so full of promise, and then still see him as an outsider. For her to truly believe there was a way to be accepted, she looked at him as a potential risk.

"My parents are human..." She started slowly. Suddenly feeling the weight of her tantrum she lowered herself to the ground next to the dummy. Ben wasn't all too sure she was done being angry so he kept his distance but came a few steps closer. "My Father is a senator from the Middle Rim which is the only reason why I'm here. My Mother is human." She looked at him with hard eyes as if daring to contradict. "But... what we didn't know was that my Mother's Father was a S'kytri..." Enwa swallowed and stared at her hands. Ben stared at them too as if they both searched for something that marked her as different, but all he saw was Enwa. "My Mother looks human. She can pass easily. The only thing that's different about her is that she's really tall for a woman."

Ben's head filled with the history that he knew so far. S'kytri blood belonged to some of the big players in the Battle of Hoth. And if things were to be believed, then it sounded as if Empire sympathizers were gathering their sources from the non-human Force users that had been neglected by the Republic because of their dedication to the original Empire. "But still...couldn't they make you like an ambassador for your people? Like a representation of how it's not passed on by genes? They could use you as a demonstration of how powerful the Jedi are becoming for someone of your bloodline to be a part of it again…"

She shook her head slowly. "No, I was never connected with the S'kytri...People look at me as something not quite like them but the S'kytri would see me as a human. I got human skin... I'm not tall enough." She put up her knees, obviously to rest her forehead on them. Normally she'd at least seek him with a hand on his knee or put her head to his shoulder but she was obviously feeling even smaller in the wake of what she could have been.

"Wait a minute..." Suddenly Ben looked over to her, crawling more directly to her side as she looked at him with a sudden paranoia.

"What, what?!" She swatted him away from her but he was peering at her back. As she went to move away he grabbed her upper shoulder to drag her closer. "Ben!" This time, her ineffective swatting turned to a fist that punched him right below his sternum.

"Wait, wait...No, I'm sorry." He started laughing and held up his hands in surrender. The murderous expression she gave him was much less intimidating now that she'd calmed down. Her punch hadn't even hurt like it normally did. "I was just looking for your wings... Aren't you supposed to have wings?" He went to shift his attention to her back once more but her shoulders were practically raised up to her ears in a defensive mode.

She sighed heavily and shoved him hard in his chest. By now Ben Solo had grown to his full potential and her effort was all but wasted. He was a whole foot taller and at least twice as wide. "Maybe you're the S'kytri...you're almost tall enough." She grumbled.

"Enwa..." Ben started seriously, realizing that grabbing her wasn't working well as a tactic, "Where are your wings? Can you fly?"

She rolled her eyes hard enough where he only saw the whites of them for a moment. He could see now how she would look like those blue-skinned creatures that he'd seen depicted in the Jedi history.

"The only way I can fly is with the Force... They cut my wings off when I was a baby." Ben's breath fell out of his mouth with a force he didn't know he had. His eyes widened with the realization.

"Well...why?" His voice was small and that seemed to frustrate her.

"Well they wouldn't have worked! I'm three-fourths human, remember?" Once his horrified expression didn't budge she sighed, exasperated. Her hands went to her tunic and suddenly she was pulling it over her head. This didn't help Ben's stoicism and he didn't know whether to back away rapidly or to try to pull her shirt back over her head as she was aggressively trying to rip it off. Helplessly he waved his hands at his side as her skin was revealed, pale like the rest of her and unscarred like most Padawan who hadn't gone on missions yet.

She was lifting up her hair and turning around to thrust her bare back into his attention. "Look!" She demanded. He scoffed in disbelief. How could he not be looking? This beautiful woman had just boldly removed her clothes and sat before him still sweating from her aggressive workout. Even without all of this in mind he would have immediately been drawn to the diagonal scarring up and down her shoulder blades. "It's nothing... they did it when I was a kid, I probably wouldn't have been able to use 'em anyway..."

Hesitantly he brought his hand to her back. Her skin practically burned under his touch though she didn't move. He felt a steady energy spike but her voice was quiet, sounding more aware of what she'd done. "...It's nothing..."

"Enwa." His voice was harder than he intended and he softened it with a shake of his head. In an attempt to calm her as she often did for him he pet the skin that puckered, he kept his focus away from his lower stomach which had already tightened in anticipation. It wasn't the right time. "This isn't nothing..."

For a split second he had images of a screaming baby being sedated with a mask over its face. He saw the couple arguing, both crying as the doctor said something that didn't enter the memory that the scars carried. "They had to...cut away the muscle too." He traced the thickest part of the line. "These were no small surgeries, it looks like they had to reconstruct your muscles...they used to be on your muscles." Ben swallowed at the realization that these were an example of a life that had been taken from her when she was a baby. She could have flown.

"It wasn't for sure..." She said quietly. She was already pulling on her shirt, doing up the reinforcer that went along her breasts. "They didn't want me to look different, they wanted me to fit in..." His eyes darkened at the way she did up the shirt, he shifted uncomfortably to hide the attention he was showing to the lines of her body. He'd probably never hear the end of it if she saw he got hard just from looking at her.

She shifted her shoulders uncomfortably, clearing her throat. "I honestly wish I'd gotten the height instead of the wings... But then me kicking your ass would seem pretty unfair. At least now they know it's just cause I'm better than you."

Enwa bared her sharp teeth at him in her characteristically aggressive smile. For a moment, when she'd turned, he saw what made her different. Her face was more angular than most girls, her eyes too large and too bright while the rest of her face was too smooth. The light hit on her wild hair that was all too human.

"...If it means that they will let us go together I'll talk with Master Skywalker about going before the Jedi Counsel...I would do damn near anything to show them you're the best of us."

Maybe it was the way he looked at her, or the fact that for a moment she felt the same loneliness, or if it was a long time coming and neither of them had noticed. She reached for him with all the ferocity that she went after the dummy with. He almost forgot to close his eyes, at the touch of her lips the waves of her thoughts crashed over him. The immense joy of belonging was overwhelming after the self consciousness she wasn't showing. They'd merged before their lips even fully connected and for a shocked moment she drew back and they looked at each other horrified. Ben hadn't even had the time to react like she was a woman kissing him, but instead he was overwhelmed by the feeling of her all over him and in his head. He moved forward like she'd tied herself to him physically. At the expression on her face he knew she'd felt it too. Her hand touched his chest with the same reverance he'd shown to her back.

"Who's Snoke...?"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: The Ghosts We Don't Know

 _"Who's Snoke...?" Struck immediately cold, he felt the moment drop off them faster than he could have thought possible._

"I feel him... on you..." She stroked the fabric of his tunic with consternation.

He swallowed his throat suddenly dry. "I'm...not sure..."

His chest was heaving in a way completely inappropriate for the chaste kiss but he couldn't seem to get it under control. Part of him wanted to do it again but he felt weary. He felt too much, like he would explode, it was overwhelming enough where he hardly processed what had happened. Realizing she was waiting for him to elaborate he took a deep shuddering breath.

"I think... he's a Force Ghost." Saying it out loud felt strange, and there was a pull in his head that was suddenly alarmed at his admission. Could he tell her? Enwa was probably the closest person to him in the world but that didn't mean he trusted her fully. But if she could show him her scars, he guessed he could show her some of his. She already looked alarmed and he held his hands out to protect himself from her suspicion.

"I've only had a handful of clear dreams about him...maybe one or two...Visions, I guess." He bit the bottom of his lip.

As usual when Enwa got too excited about something, what little tact she had was quickly abandoned. Her mind pushed at him, probing immediately into his thoughts. He let her in, or else it would have hurt, but there was also a part of him that wanted to show it, to show someone and have them accept him. He wanted so badly for her to understand. It was the fear of the expected disappointment for her to not understand that was making his hands shake.

She shifted through like water, her hands stretching toward him. He couldn't tell if it was to steady her or to steady him, but she moved around every thought he brought up and swiftly ignored any boundary. Instead of hurting it felt wonderful, clean, sweeping across everything he'd felt had been sullied. When she got to the memory of the masked figure that he'd known since childhood she'd audibly gasped and retreated from his mind. Now she gripped the front of his shirt and breathed heavily.

While the exercise had been relaxing for him had drained her. He didn't think he noticed how much but he felt her hands shaking and he gripped them with his own.

"You saw...? You saw them too."

"Yes..." Her wide eyes were serious and fixed on his hands that covered hers. "But…" Her eyes closed her head moving back and forth slowly as if searching for the memory. "…I've seen him before, I've seen that thing before..."

It was his turn to be flabbergasted and he looked to the trees to the right of him, it had gotten dark as they sat there and he thought sadly about the evening meal they were sure to be missing. He stroked the back of her palms with his calloused fingers.

"I've never seen him like that though... he's always been doing terrible things and I can never stop him."

Ben scowled. "I've seen that..." The admission stung him on the way out; he'd avoided it entirely. "But he is trying to unite people, make everyone under the same rule. Everyone I've seen him... punish, have all been trying to ruin it." It fell flat out of his mouth. He almost wished that she would enter his mind again to show her how it felt to be him, the determination and the belonging. He felt like she might understand that. However, her mind kept its distance. She appeared focused on his hands and he suddenly realized that she might not even had enough energy to delve back in if she wanted to.

"Maybe..." She said slowly. "I'm never in his head... I've always been watching." She closed her eyes. "Ben...what is it? Is it something from the past... the future? I don't know." Going back to gnawing on her lip she went to drop her hands from him but he held them fast wanting the connection. So instead she shifted her legs that were folded underneath her.

"How often do you have dreams like that?"

"Of him? That thing?"

Ben shrugged. "No... Like in general. Do you ever tell Master Skywalker about them?" She was already shaking her head. No, of course she wouldn't. She wouldn't want anything that could attach her to anything unusual. Force dreams were not uncommon, but dreaming of evil or of fear...that could be a reason for the Council to mistrust you.

Slowly Ben removed his hands from where they sheltered hers. She looked so tired where he felt like he suddenly weighed a hundred pounds lighter. More boldly than he often would be with her, the Padawan put his hands on the sides of her face. He looked to her then, and she unabashedly stared back. Instead of being intimidated

He found himself fixed there. He knew her so well that he couldn't bring to find himself attracted to her in every instant, but she was the most solid thing in his hands that he'd ever felt. Not all of his body seemed to recognize his realization; other parts of him were still very reactive to her. Stroking his thumbs on her cheekbones he was somehow mystified by their motion. He'd ran the pad of his thumb over his lightsaber just like this more times than he could think and still this was what felt the most awe inspiring.

"I'm going to talk with Master after dinner."

Regretfully he released her as he stood, but he held out his hand to her. She abruptly ignored him and he felt pleased to be swatted away, especially when she purposefully bumped into him when they both stood up. Meandering back to the Academy in synchronized strides.

...

When Luke Skywalker pulled them aside from training four days later, Enwa's smile was worth all the time he'd been probed by the Council. Luke observed her smile with a twinkle in his own crystalline gaze; there was no doubt that the two held a similar energy even when their personalities clashed. Occasionally, Ben had these stabs of jealousy when he was around the two of them at once.

For today? The jealousy wasn't the first instinct, for once he felt on par with their energy, he felt steady.

He felt like he knew what the hell he wanted.

It was no surprise to either of them when Luke handed their compact hologram. "You have your assignment. I have every faith that you two will be well-matched for the task ahead. You do not have to participate in training today, you may have the reset of the day for preparations of your journey." He smiled in a way where the folds in his face were completely eliminated; he put a hand on either shoulder of his Padawan. "It has been a long time coming. I know you will make me proud."

Enwa was already beaming, humming like she was about to take off in a sprint the moment that her shoulder was released. Luke let his hand drop back to the side, the metallic appendage whirring as it reset its position. "You are dismissed."

To her credit, Enwa didn't let out a victory yell but Ben would have been lying if he didn't notice she practically skipped away. He went to follow her when he felt his Master's probing touch around his mind. He turned back to him with a questioning push.

For a moment they both stared. Obsidian met Zircon. Luke stared at the immense tower that his nephew had become; the face gentle and the features large. In this light, he could have called the Padawan innocent looking, but Ben had always been a creature of contrast. Ben, meanwhile, stared at Skywalker with a guarded expression. There was the sensation of warmth that didn't quite reflect in his heart. He saw a man whose attention had not been enough, whose vision had not been large enough to encompass what he wanted to do. And Ben was looking forward to bigger things. This was long overdue.

"Ben..." His Uncle said seriously. "I have every faith that you can complete this... And I mean that. But with you it's never been a measure of can but a matter of will. So please..." He looked at the Padawan seriously, "Do not stray from the path. You remember what the Council said?"

The boy...man...nodded, "They will be watching my progress to determine how suited I am to be a Jedi."

Luke nodded, "Don't give them a reason to misjudge you."


	13. Chapter 13

**AN:** I know I'm way way early on this chapter but honestly I've been excited about this since I wrote it. I'm still struggling to believe that this story ended up being so long, I'm four chapters ahead of this and I still don't see the end in sight. I hope that all of you enjoy this!

...

Chapter 13: What Can Go Wrong

On the ships that were available to them from the Academy, Enwa and Ben would reach the Outer Rim within a day. They could reach it in less time if they had been able to extend their hyperdrive but that would require more fuel that they couldn't chance wasting. The idea was to always expect that something goes wrong.

Especially on a reconnaissance mission.

Enwa and Ben had secluded themselves in his quarters to open the hologram to detail their mission. As he thought of it, Ben absent mindedly fingered the knobs of the hologram's grooves. He'd brought it with him just in case, though he could feel that Enwa had memorized it probably the moment she saw it. The initial excitement had worn off and the cabin of their ship felt small even with the two of them as the nerves set it. Granted, neither of them would admit to such a weakness and they both stayed on the opposite sides after the initial takeoff.

Attempting to put some distance between him and Enwa he want back to the cockpit and gazed at the sight around him. He remembered briefly going on trips with his father...when the man still wanted to bring him. Eventually Han Solo's trips had become "too dangerous". Probably meaning that any stories Ben would bring home to Leia would be not taken kindly by the ex-royal.

This line of thinking had done nothing for his nerves and the boy took the message out of his pocket, flicking it back on to replay it. The image of the Jantaun was familiar to him even as he turned all the angles. Jantaun's were a relatively peaceful people, not built for battle. Though they appeared mostly human their voices had the thrum of something that sounds like it had evolved for communicating underwater. But the message came through clearly, even so. Their prince had gone missing. Missing, or run away or worse- no one was really sure. It wasn't of particular interest until his ship suddenly started sending signals after months of searching for the missing monarch. The signal came from the destination where he and Enwa hurtled toward through countless of solar systems he would have liked to visit much more than where they were currently headed. The Outer Rim was dangerous enough but that wasn't really what put the knots in his stomach. The planet of Sembla where the Jantaun's Prince was suspected to be just so happened to be an oceanic planet. The land that existed between those vast shallow oceans was lush and beautiful but also covered with volcanoes.

True, it could have been worse. There were entire planets covered in water. But the rolling waves even in the image of the hologram was enough to make Ben already feel like the weight of the sea had pressed over him as it did so often in his nightmares. Struggling to breathe he'd kick his legs into the air but the water would only press harder as if it had a mind of its own to take him down into the dark.

Ben clicked off the message, filled with the frustration that often bubbled to the surface with his fear. He breathed deeply through his nose to calm himself, blocking the view of the open space before him as he emptied his mind. He stayed like this for an indeterminate amount of time, joining with the Force with the same passion that he tended to do most everything. Luckily, as much as he seemed to sway on the tightrope of discipline that being a Jedi required the Force always seemed to welcome him back like sun on his face.

Enwa had moved in when she felt his anxiety pulsing through their bond. Usually, she would ignore the pull. Master Skywalker had warned her briefly about indulging in it too often because it could lead to codependency that would hurt them both. Yet, Master Skywalker would also encourage her to calm a partner before heading into a mission. Instead of finding Ben pacing angrily, as he was apt to do, the man was seated with his hands crossed. She couldn't quite see his face from where he sat in the cockpit with his back to her, but she could feel by his energy that he had given himself over into meditation. She couldn't help but quirk the lightest of smiles, fascinated by the show of peace that Ben could have once he put his mind to it. She shrank down to the bench that sat behind the captain's seat, she didn't feel the need to slip into the co-pilot's side and risk distracting him. Instead she mimicked his pose, intending not to sleep but to center herself as her friend was doing. It was when the ship suddenly jerked that both of them immediately faded into action.

Part of Jedi training was to ensure your ability to fly when necessary. Ben's aptitude for it put him in the captain's seat but Enwa was hardly going to let him deal with anything alone.

"What was that?" she asked, her voice not betraying anything but clinical detachment even as she slid in the co-pilot's seat. Ben had already put on his headset, reading the scanner's of the ships. Despite the open air around the ship the electrical fields had wavered for a moment. Enwa was already switching on the combustion's stabilizer before he even had to tell her to.

"...I'm not sure..." He brought up the other map, looking at the measurements of the jump that had caused their ship to shudder so suddenly. "It's almost like we hit the world's smallest electric storm. But there's nothing out here." At this point they both looked to each other, simultaneously questioning the same line of thought that they didn't dare speak aloud. If they had passed a ship that was cloaked, their electrical field might have brushed theirs but it would hardly elicit a blip on their radar unless it was a ship of gargantuan proportions.

Enwa's eyes meaninglessly scanned the air before them. If that had been what happened, there would be no telling what it was unless they went back. "Do you...want to go see what it was?"

Ben felt the "yes" whisper so strongly in his head he'd almost thought he said it outloud. But instead he stared at her, his eyes roving over the curve of her jaw as he leaned near her to switch the stabilizer back of. "...No..." He said faintly. "We're only 8 hours from Sembla... I think I'm going to try to get some sleep, it will be day when we arrive there." He stood up slowly slipping by her, and he felt her gaze settle indiscriminately on his legs as he did so. He knew the smirk that plucked at his mouth was not gentlemanly, but he couldn't help it. It was nice to know that she noticed him, and she did seem to. Especially since he'd found her crying in the forest, she didn't take his eyes off him for long. He felt himself grow hot at the thought, his smirk fading as he ran his hands through his hair.

Perhaps sleep wasn't going to be possible just yet. But no... Ben shook his head, getting up to splash water on his face from the small sink. What he wanted was a cold shower so he could keep his wits about him, but since that wasn't possible, he settled back in the cramped bed and attempted to sleep.

...

He awoke sooner than he should have thanks to a niggling panic in his brain. Unable to determine whether he was dreaming Ben groggily untangled himself and realized only a second before the door slid open that he could hear Enwa running down the short hallway.

"We've changed course. Something's pulling us into the planet too quickly..." It was the same clinical attachment they'd been taught in the academy but he could see her iridescent gaze was wide even in the half light of his sleeping chamber. He was already getting up and passing her even as she was finishing her statement. He could feel the anxiety through their bond- she'd already tried to slow the ship down and had failed.

In a daze he found himself in the pilot's seat, her lithe form moving into the spot next to it as naturally as breathing even when she was stiff in her panic. She was right, they were coming in far too quickly from a gravitational force much greater than the planet should have been able to produce and _something_ was pulling them. His hands froze for a second over the controls, debating what the best course of action would be.

It was at this precise moment that the message board, that had been decidedly silent of any messages during their journey, blew up with radio frequencies as if they had suddenly breeched into an entire fleet. The cacophony of voices, not all human, and not all speaking a language they knew, lit up the speakers around them in a way that caused them to immediately search for each other's attention.

Enwa was already sending a pre-emptive stress signal out back to the Jedi Academy but at the rate they were approaching the planet there was very little the Academy would do. Rather, it was a strategy to locate wreckage...if necessary.

Ben shook the possibility out of his head to concentrate on the task before him. Suddenly his eyes drew to the map on the left of the immense dash.

"Enwa..." He said softly, he could feel his throat tightening. She didn't have to respond for him to know she was listening. "It's not just pulling it in quickly... it's pulling us into a different place." His dark eyes were wide on their projected landing...in the middle of one of many of Sembla's oceans.

"Fuck..." She said softly, comprehending drawing over her face. As per the co-pilot's position she was already attempting to contact the leader of the Vurk they had spoken to before. The Vurk people had always been democratic and as such they had many people in a chain of command that would feasibly be able to answer a distress call, but all they heard over the speakers was static in response. Enwa adjusted their frequency but her hands were shaking in an uncharacteristic way, apparently she wasn't relishing the thought of plunging into an ocean planet in the middle of nowhere familiar. Ben grabbed the physical controls, attempting to turn them manually back to the location closer to where they had planned to land. When that didn't work, Ben started looking toward anywhere he could put them on any land. They were close, so close. The oceans of Sembla may be shallow, but this did not mean he wanted to crash into one. He recalled his dream in a way that suddenly gave him fuel.

Fuel. Already, his hands were switching toward the engine's control, following a path as if it had been his plan all along. "Wh-What are you trying to do...? Pushing us backwards isn't going to..."

"We have to do something. At the speed we're going now, even if we hit the water the ship will still come apart."

Nodding, Enwa resigned herself to switching the ship's main energy output back to their propellers. Ben wondered briefly if she'd let him kiss her again. He could see the seemingly endless expanse of the horizons of the island that were coming in much too quickly still. Both of them felt the pull of the ship as the momentum was interrupted. Immediately the ships power output began to steadily increase until the entire dashboard was flashing red. Blindly he reached for her hand at the same time she reached for his.

"It's slowing us down."

"Well damn, we might not die immediately then." she replied with the cynicism that she always seemed to have even when her energy was stabilizing itself. Apparently even in the face of potential demise, Enwa was going to go in a very calm sarcastic pain in his ass.

"C'mon..." He growled at her, half dragging the offered hand away from the cockpit. His hands were already scrambling for the meager emergency supplies. They'd have to get into the crash unit soon, but he was sending her in their first.

"No! I'm not going in without you, let me help." Ben didn't have the time to argue with her and he was already switching his hand to her arms and shoving at her simultaneously with Force.

"Go. I'll be right there." He bit out, her bared teeth being the last thing he saw before he shoved her into the crash pod. A crash pod wasn't a guaranteed survival, but the pull of their engines sending them backwards even as their momentum continued would be enough to save them. Now, however, Ben knew what he had to do. Running back to the controls he quickly switched their targeted position. They wouldn't have a chance crashing into the islands now and he had to re-direct to make _sure_ they landed in water. The thought alone was enough to make him cold, the idea of the ship plummeting into the pressing water was nearly undoing him even as his hands moved quickly. He felt the line of sweat from his hairline fall down his neck even as he finished the ship's last command. They wanted to be far enough from the land to not crash and burn, but close enough where they wouldn't drown trying to reach it. A dangerous guessing game.

Grievously, he captained the ship the best he could, noting that someone from the academy had attempted to reach him. He thought briefly of leaving a message back, but to tell them what? He loved them? He wasn't afraid to die? He wasn't sure either statements were true at the moment so he ignored the light and instead thrust himself away from the dashboard to join Enwa in the crash pod.

She'd immediately gripped his shoulders, saying...something. She was loud and close to him and all he could smell and feel her in a heightened way that only ever seemed to happen in dreams. His ears were filled with what might be his heart on borrowed time, if whatever was pulling their ship in had their way. He tried to shove her back into crash position, not having enough humanity to be able to verbalizea civil request for her to let him go. The thought was too advanced.

He was down to the basics of thought. Like Girl, Girl is not safe, Girl would be safe if in the crash seat, Girl should be in crash seat. But she was fighting him, her fierce mouth drawn into a snarl with all the focus and fire he was used to being burned by when it came to her. It didn't seem to be much of a stretch to change his simplistic way of thought. Attempting to limit the scope of her hands which now attempted to pound on his chest, he grabbed both of them, barley restraining her even enough to bend down and kiss her fully. He wasn't all together sure if she was still fighting him, though he doubted it.

It was like the first item and yet incredibly different if only because he was ready for it. Ben knew that the level of their bond was not the Jedi way, and in this second he truly saw what his Uncle was talking about.

She crashed over him in a way that would pressurize his bones, heavier than the waves that fell over his head in his own nightmares while still managing to make him float away like some sweet dream. It was not a good kiss, he'd caught her open-mouthed and her sharp teeth nicked his top lip enough where blood spoiled the taste of her mouth. He was full, he was together, he was grasping her arms now and attempting to pull her into him as much as he could without snapping any part of her and she was letting him. And he saw what his Uncle was afraid of, what the Jedi were afraid of.

He would never belong to anything like he belonged to hear at that moment.

Outside of their conjoined minds, their lives plummeted to Sembla down below. And his body seemed to remember this enough to once again shove her into the strapped chair. He went to strap her in but she Forced him away, screaming for him to hold on.

He knew that the controls were lit up and flashing, warning them of their imminent impact, he felt like he saw the red even bleed through the pod's reinforced walls even when Enwa thrust her hand into the eject button. They shot away from their ship, their figurehead of safety on his very first mission and Ben began to laugh. He laughed and reached for her hand even as the world seemed to explode.

...

 **AN:** Cliffhanger, but forgive me since I updated four days early of my established weekly schedule? As always please PM or review me fic recs, I'm so lazy and I hate sifting. Take Care.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: IMPORTANT STORY NOTE!**

 **I am going to re-make this story, I hate how big it is. Right now I have 26 chapters that aren't even close to done and I just feel like it's sloppy. For those of you who followed/favorited/reviewed I have left this story here. But it's honestly way harder to attempt to re arrange and edit the chapters and updating them singularly. Honestly I tried a couple a weeks ago and I got confused. Very sorry for the confusion, I hope the changes I'm making will be more cohesive!**

Chapter 14: Business is Doing Terribly

It wasn't any landing to be envious of. Ben hit the back of his head on impact given he wasn't properly strapped down around his head into the helmet like structure. Enwa was screaming and it took him probably a full minute to come back to the physical reality. It took him even long than that to figure out his vision hadn't failed and it was the emergency lights that had extinguished due to the hissing water spout that was escaping into the pod at an alarming rate. Ben remembered his terror quickly and shoved it aside with a vengeance that surprised him. Enwa was screaming.

 _Screaming_

It actually made his ears thrum like something had turned on the volume after he'd lived in silence. Was she panicking? Dying? Angry? He couldn't tell. But he was fumbling at the straps that held him in his chair. He was so scared of that sound he could have forgotten about the water rushing in if it wasn't already around his knees. Finally free he moved toward her blindly and he could feel her shaking even in her own restraints which she hadn't removed yet. Maybe she couldn't? Ben couldn't see in the dark and he started groping at her blindly. He felt all of her that he wasn't supposed to touch and much of it was familiar, she didn't even seem to notice until he stumbled upon something horrifyingly unfamiliar. The crack where the water was coming in was right near her knee... And her leg had obviously suffered for it.

He knew, with a lurch of his stomach that some of the slickness he was touching was definitely not water. He'd only skimmed his fingers across her thigh in the barest of ways but he felt with certainty that her femur jutted through her leg. He also knew that the sound she was making wasn't solely with her mouth she was actually screaming inside of his head. He felt dark fingers clutching desperately at his temple, attempting to Force him away from her. The darkness of the pod combined with the screams actually felt like more sinister than the water that now filled up. It was an unsettling realization that she was shouting over her own voice in his head, her voice raw and gasping.

"Get out get out! GET OUT!" she was shrieking and he didn't know at what. But he could feel it crawling all over him in the dark. He knew, logically, that it wasn't anything physical. For a second he let the feeling paralyze him was it death? Was he feeling death's hands on his head?

Before his mental facilities were up and running he was lunging back at her, this time with his mind. He put her to sleep instantly. Not comprehending what he was doing he was undoing her straps with hands that were steady but unsure and he was picking up her limp body.

If their escape pod had cracked because of the pressure of the depth they were underneath the oceans of Sembla; they would die. If they were too deep for him to carry her safely, then they would die. His fingers went for the approximate location of the underwater breathing devices. He wished he hand the time or hands to grab at the emergency kit but helplessly he realized it might not do her much good. With her body pressed up on him in the water that now filled the pod, he could feel the bone jut into his own thigh. He shoved the breathing piece in his mouth and shoved it into her lax lips as well and took that moment to thurst his hand upward to find the lever that would confirm their release of the door. With a mystifying relief, Ben felt the sea water crash over him. His fear was there, just was the knowledge that this was the place that he'd had nightmares about. But there was more than that, there was determination.

Sembla, luckily, was not a planet inhabited by a surplus of predators. It had been cut off from war in the same way it appeared cut off from a particularly hiearchal food chain that could inhabit planets, but that didn't mean he didn't have to be careful One positive of the water would have been that he didn't have to carry the girl along with him. He glanced back at her, by now his eyes stung so badly that he couldn't feel it. She looked peaceful, having been forced asleep and Ben realized with a painful cry of relief that the fact he could see meant they were not deep in the water. He began to drag her way from the pod, half swimming and half using the ground to bounce himself forward, he indiscriminately went the way he was facing and kept his eyes strained around them. Dragging her left a cloud of blood behind them he noted that it was mysteriously plentiful if it was just from mangled leg her leg so he began to expect it wasn't the only source. But it filled him with even more drive instead of panic, his breathing desperate in the tube he'd stuck between his lips. He couldn't tell if he was running toward saftey, running from the crash, or attempting to get away from whatever darkness fingered the grooves of his brain even now. Something had been in there. He couldn't eliminate the feeling that it still was.

The first time his head bounced above water felt himself cry silently, his body trembling with the heaves of relief before he continued plunging toward the shore. Finally his head broke fully through the water and he could walk on land more fully. By the time he got to shore enough where he would have to carry Enwa he would have collapsed in exhaustion if the light of a mockingly peaceful sun hadn't cast a harsh glow on his companion. Despite the fact he'd seen the bumbles stemming from the device in her mouth to demonstrate breath had been going in and out of her lungs, she looked quite dead. He splashed down toward her clenching her face in his hands. He could feel her mind, he knew she wasn't dead and he had to keep going.

Keep going all the way to shore.

When he hit it, he dragged her onto the sad and pushed the wet tendrils of hair away from her and threw the thing from her mouth to the side along with his. He heaved in the aggressive sobs that could now hit the dry air and he only had a split second to realize he was going to vomit. He disgusted himself by doing so too near to hear and even before he was finished tossing up his guts he pushed her away from him. Having finished, he thought of washing his mouth out with water but he didn't have the energy. He had to move quickly. Taking off his shirt he was ripping it into wide strips with his teeth. He didn't want to look at her leg, dreaded it, but he attempted to clear his mind and disassociate himself from the task. He pretended he was in class and pretending to care for wounds like he was in an exam with Luke watching over him silently. He observed the bone with detachment even as his eyes filled and his throat stuck. Her skin was molted purple around it and it wept with a terrifying amount of blood. But really it was the bone, stark white even against her skin, that really had him horrified. There was a strong possibility she would lose the leg, but he couldn't think about that either. Wouldn't think about it. He instead tied a tourniquet even as his vision began to blur and darken at the edges. Slowly he'd been drooping over as he worked, eventually his head had hit her chest as he tied the knot on the tourniquet. He laid down next to her half over her with his face in the crook of her neck and he fell into a sleep that he wouldn't wake from without a great form of stimulation.

...

That form of stimulation came from the shouting in his head that he registered as coming from Enwa. He woke up to the night, shivering in the air despite it being quite warm and they had both dried in their stillness. The sand stuck to him and he drew back enough to stare at her. The motion brought a pain so sincere that it seemed to pass straight through his eyes and down his spine. The hit from the impact of the pod onto the ocean floor had been forgotten in his adrenaline, but it was nauseatingly present now. There were other parts of him that hurt, he realized he might have broken his toe and the sea water stung the scrapes on his arms and feet that he'd got from plunging through the ocean's floor indiscriminately, but he would survive. It was hilarious to think he could survive that. He laughed at the thought, it seemed utterly ridiculous that he might wake up tomorrow and brush his teeth even having felt death's hands on his mind.

The delirious smile faded while he looked at Enwa. She was having a nightmare, muttering now and drawing in hiccuping breaths as if she wasn't sure the oxygen was working in her sleep. He didn't need much light to see that she had a fever. Even in the light of the moons he could see the sweat on her brow and her upper lip.

Suddenly her body strained underneath him, her limbs digging into the sand with the force of her back arching. He guessed this put sudden weight on her open fracture and immediately to follow she jerked awake with a gasp. He actually watched her attempt to focus on him and fail, her gaze candescent and rolling. She groaned again her hands raising of their own accord to push at him with surprising force. He gripped the offending appendages but dragged himself off of her. Moving made him incredibly aware of what was almost certainly a concussion on his part. Perhaps it was the concussion that made her look like she was hazy at her edges, almost dewy like she glowed. Flushed and pale at the same time he realized this almost certainly depicted that she was battling the infection probably set in from her open fracture.

All at once her gaze seemed to steady on him with an alarming intensity. He freed her hands mostly out of surprise for the sudden focus- she was reaching for him. "Ben, Ben, Ben..."

He swallowed at the tone in her voice, horse and desperate. She didn't appear to have anything more to say, falling silent as she pawed at his face and shoulders. He winced as her fingers passed over the wounds he didn't realize he had on his face. Every bit of him hurt, it did not surprise him that he didn't notice the wounds and bruises specifically that she identified with her touch. He took a moment in her distraction to steel himself to look at her leg. The nausea from before polluted his stomach and he had to swallow against it. Though he was fairly confident that even if the bone looked clean and her skin was unblemished, the sight was still so plainly wrong to illicit concern. But it was certainly not clean and the skin was certainly not unblemished. The infection from the bone mixed with bruising all in combination with the very obvious femur jutting through her hamstring was enough to make him spin even when he'd been inspecting this.

"How bad is it...?" She said, sounding rather detached from the situation. He realized then that he'd held on to her hands subconsciously and had stilled them where they lay on his own chest and he felt the overwhelming urge to cry.

He realized then that he didn't mind being stranded, having to face one of his biggest fear that would undoubtedly lead to further trauma or the ship he knew was at the bottom of the ocean. Stars, he would be fine if the council wouldn't let him become a master for another 10 years after the colossal failure that they had faced before even beginning their first mission. This would have all been acceptable if he wasn't faced with the very obvious sight of his oldest friend potentially dying in front of him.

He let out a shuddering breath, allowing the hot tears to well up for only a second as he pressed both of her captured hands to his face. This seemed to be an answer in itself to her question.

He tried to think of a solution, but his mind was frustratingly blank. The voices that so often called to him both waking and asleep were frustratingly silent. This was when he clued into the silence, her voice was strikingly absent from the mix as well. Alarmed he looked to her and saw she had already been staring.

"It's you..." She answered the question he hadn't even gotten the chance to ask. "Something's blocking you... you feel fuzzy." She looked to the wounds visible to her and probed his consciousness. Normally so full of barriers and life, he felt more like a museum. Open to the public but unresponsive. Without an immediate connection his face lacked the level of expression she was so used to being able to read, but even so she felt that the situation had them set in a bad way.

"I'm going to pick you up." The declaration would have sounded more compelling if he hadn't had to sniff away the tears that threatened to spill over in the moment. "With luck there is a Vurk settlement nearby... But we also need flesh water to clean your wound." It sounded stupid, he knew. But he also had to do something. Logic wasn't sticking in his head, he was gripping at the swiftly moving thoughts but unable to catch one.

She groaned, "Ben...your head feels scrambled, you aren't thinking clearly..." He felt an indignant flash at her accusation and then had to smile. At least she was aware enough to admonish him. "...I don't even think you're connected to your Force...It feels like something has broken the connection." He reached for the connection instinctively, finding it buzzing in his head but ineffective.

"...I hit my head...It's temporary." He ignored the case studies that he was recalling where a head injury had been caused to eliminate a user's connection to the Force. Like a lobotomy, or a stroke, it's like your mind lost the connection. He could still feel a dim thrum of it at his fingertips, but the absence in his mind was eerie. Even so, it also gave him a sense of peace. As fuzzy as he felt, he also noted an almost pleasant quiet, free from the chaotic waves that threatened to pull him under and pull him into temper so often. Ignoring her trained eyes on him was much easier when he couldn't actually feel her trying to step into his mind, Ben reached beneath her delicately to lift her from the sand. She made almost a valley with her body, undoubtedly having squirmed during the hours they slept until she ridged into the sand like she was trying to make roots. He got his arms under her delicately, leaning toward her as he shifted his legs so that he could lift her onto his lap before standing. However, the moment he put his hands under her right thigh, she cried out in alarm, straining against him.

"Fuck...fuck..." Her hands flew again, attempting to swat him off, pull him closer, and to desist his movement all at once. Her chest heaved and she'd begun shaking again and the clenched jaw painted the very clear reality that he could not move her. Given that the injury to her femur meant that he couldn't lift her to fit in between his arms, also meant he couldn't put her on his back for the same reason. Suddenly the valley of sand she'd sunk into looked far more like a coffin than a bed.

Attempting to stay calm was useless but he tried anyway. "I have patches, they won't do you much good, but they will help the skin..." He didn't really want to put them on her, knowing that healing the skin around the open bone would not be good. But he had to do something. It was this drive that pushed him to the holster next to his saber. His hands brushed over the handle for a reverent second before he removed the strips from their, thankfully, water proof packing. The strips were small, meant to be used as a temporary patch for when reinforcements would show up with more extensive supplies, but they were something. " I can't move you like this, but I'm well enough to move." He didn't even know if he was telling the truth, and even through her heat she looked at him with a level understanding that he was being an idiot. He ignored the look more easily now that he couldn't feel the questioning of his sanity through their connection.

"I'll be back before the sun comes up..." He thoughtfully glanced at the moons above them. From where they've landed he guessed that was only in a couple hours. He would go no further than an half hour walk in one direction and then promptly circle back. He took two steps back from her to realize how small she was on the sand. And even that did not betray the immense importance that she held. It might have even increased it. "I'll be back..." His voice had faded to the point where he thought that she wouldn't hear it but she nodded with her eyes closed.

Unwilling to glance back at her, Ben's legs began running before he even made the conscious choice that walking was not a luxury he felt like utilizing.

...

 **AN:** I graduated this weekend! So hence delay, I forgot anything existed. Now I will be applying to teaching jobs and the prospect is mildly terrifying and I like to write this while I'm waiting for it! I love this chapter so I hope it was worth the wait even if it was short.


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